Trusts.

Trusts. I have learned that .. even family members can just take an advantage on trust given to them. Dont blame anyone though. I blamed myself for giving them too much trusts and chances in always stabbing my back. I feel sometimes my family dont really be there for me when im cying or just screaming out loud. I prefer to be all alone. Atleast i wont betray my trust myself. From now onwards, i wont trust anyone. Even my family members. I ll be the one who make judgment of everything. I am the one who will blame myself and do everything myself without any concerns to my family. Dont blame me when i didnt really talk to you guys as often. Look at yourself, saying family.. but im always the one who gets all the blame. Im tired of cleaning my brother's shit everytime. I am always in the wrong. He is not even my real brother. Its really unfair. I didnt admit that i take my aunts charger because i am afraid... yes, i do feel afraid sometimes. But people tend to forget that i have a feeling of fear. It is just sad. I hide all my feelings to make me look strong and its funny how people really forgotten that i too have feelings. It dosent really mean if i hide my feelings, i dont have it at all. People have to really understand me. But they dont.... no one does. So, my brother found out i took my aunts charger , and i told him not to tell my mum as i dont want to hear her nagging. Apparently , he told my mum about it... DUDE, i wont even help,talk or whatever to do with you. I am no longer related to you. I gave you everything and this is what you gave me? I got your back when you are at wrong... when get beaten up by dad.... i felt sad for you. I know you bro.. ure a two faced . Im not kidding about that. You dare to talk about your real mum and when ure with her, you just being all the “im a good son” YOU Even talk behind your mum tell everyone what your mum did. Wah , dude... i dont even do that to my mum. Congrats yeah ? Thanks for this.. really. You have proven to me .. that i wont even give you any chance and trust. Thanks for making me learn not to trust anyone ... including family members. I am not surprise that alot of people wont want to be friends with you. I shouldnt have help you with khid. I should have let him beat you up. Cause , you cant really keep promises. Youre not a good guy. You never are. Well.. yeah, i regret and ashamed to call you my “brother” ... sorry, i wont forgive you. You gave me alot of shit. Thanks once again. 

Sunday Afternoon,

Its sunday today, and a very lazy one indeed. I am currently at the clubhouse opposite my house. They locked the dayum gate and we have to climb over it. Good job guys, Keep it up. stay cool. yes, i am being sacarstic. Just had my lunch at 2 pm just now, ate a arabian food. i don't know why I'm updating my blog. but i just want too. talking crap right now. cause i have nothing to say. Twinny is watching Ghost adventures 2 tables away from me... and i swear the mosquitoes here are asking me to kill them even though I'm giving them some mercy. " HELL YEAH MOSQUITOES ... NO MORE MERCY ! ILL CHOP YOU UP LIKE A CHEESECAKE YOU ARE ~ " NAH, no ... they are not cheesecake. was just having this random thought. MUAHAHA. alright.~ met BFFL SHERRY on friday though. She went down to my school and meet up with he boyfriend first while waiting for me , cause i was having my cellular molecular biology (cmbio) quiz. manage to complete it in 15 minutes. xD Horraaayy ~ <3 ...somehow="...somehow" .="." 19th="19th" 8pm.="8pm." a="a" after="after" ahd="ahd" all="all" alright="alright" am.="am." am="am" and="and" apparently="apparently" asap="asap" at="at" awesome.="awesome." bad="bad" becoming="becoming" bffls="bffls" but="but" cabbed="cabbed" cause="cause" dayum="dayum" didn="didn" dinner="dinner" down="down" early="early" end="end" enjoy="enjoy" expecting="expecting" fail.="fail." felt="felt" forward="forward" friend="friend" fun="fun" guess="guess" had="had" have="have" head="head" hehe.="hehe." her="her" home="home" house="house" how="how" i="i" it...="it..." it="it" joke.="joke." lazy="lazy" least="least" like="like" look="look" looking="looking" love="love" loves="loves" meet="meet" meh="meh" much="much" my="my" nbsp="nbsp" need="need" no="no" not="not" on="on" oppps="oppps" our="our" p="p" play="play" playing="playing" pool="pool" right="right" school="school" sean="sean" sherryxd="sherryxd" shows="shows" so="so" study.="study." study="study" t="t" that="that" thats="thats" the="the" they="they" this="this" though.="though." tired.="tired." to="to" too="too" town="town" twinny="twinny" up="up" update="update" usually="usually" wasn="wasn" we="we" were="were" why="why" wifi="wifi" will="will" with="with" won="won" xd="xd" yeah.="yeah." yeah="yeah">

Eye candy.

When u thought that You are already happy that someone notices you. Especially someone whom is your eye candy.

Something bad will always come after a good time huh? Thanks to my awkwardness and being straightforward, i think he finds it rather awkward...and he is somewhat different from how he used to be. He rarely texts me now, or even message me in facebook. I told him that he is my eye candy which is the reason why i find it awkward when we were having lunch together yesterday. But i had fun.

Is being awkward and being me, really that unacceptable by people around me ? Im always giving them awkward vibes. I wont deny that i am, socially awkward when it comes to people i just get to know. I tend to have problems talking to them. Im always labelled as the anti social kind of girl. I cant help it. I am trying my best to get along with people , but somehow my awkward aura is giving other people the wrong message. I dont get it. I dont understand. Is being friends with other people that hard ? Cant people just stop judging? I think i just gave him a very bad impression of me. Thanks . I just ruined my own life. Im hoing to dig my own grave and hide myself in there. Being in poly, yeahhh. Why not ?

who am i to you really?

sometimes i feel no one needs me in their life. they treat me as a choice. I'm like no one important. where they are afraid to lose me. Maybe it is just me that treat people i met like jewels. I must stop doing that. or i am really getting myself into a pool of turds. No joke. HAHAH. the only people i feel they are afraid to lose me is just my BFFLs And the other twin. My other twin , Fira. We have the exact things . we feel each other and those of the anger management problem we have. its not a surprise knowing someone really do care and afraid of losing us. we will feel loved and belong to that particular someone. I was chilling outside my house that day,thinking of life. about me, my future and everything got to do with this world. i cried. i was all alone. he was at my neighbor house. he went out and he literally ignored me. Not even a hi. I saw him with her, that ... yana girl where my bro had a crush on. she was so .... flirty. it hit me hard. No doubt. i was jealous. Why am i even jealous when he is not even mine. knowing that he likes me , and he knows i like him. its like , we are like normal with it. i understand. i don't wanna rush . I'm not really ready for it. Plus i am thinking of the long term . I am not short term type. i think far. and i know he is too. i came to him that day, i played badminton , but he ignored me . he never went to the clubhouse that night. he only smile . i waved at him and he just smile. not even a single wave. cause seriously , i don't know what is going on. I am clueless about this, who are we really ? are we friends ? or are you just avoiding me for something i didn't even do.

You Left Again.

Surprisingly, you left once again. Im sorry. Im not going after you again. Im sick and tired of your actions of leaving me over and over again. I have given you a second chance ... And im not giving you anymore. u ran away everytime i prove your point. Cause logically, im much sane then you. Its funny how i can endure you all those years. Not anymore man. Not anymore.
Oh! I didnt get any feelings of jealousy when youre with someone or anything I USED to feel. After what you did. I THOUGHT i love you... But actually i didnt. Its dayum hurtful.

Black out.

so ...sunday was pretty boring. The electricity when down because of the explosion of the transformer. from 1030 am to .. 730 pm. Its like. HOLY!! you never wanna know how i spend my day. Most of it. its just .... Sleeping. :O Yes. sleeping. No joke. and around ... 3pm ? we went out to Bukit Indah Jusco IEON shopping mall. till 6pm ? IT WAS ... hell boring. i was literally dying. Wanted to buy the Step Up 2 VCD .. but then mum was like ... i have not enough money with me right now. AND IM LIKE ! WHAAAAAT, another disappointing thing which also bring my mood down. Seriously. My day is just that boring. gahh ~ hell. i never want this day to happen again PLEASE ! so tomorrow is the start of semester 2  for my school. and hell yes ,,,, I'm looking forward to it. *hearts* Shall bulk up on my studies and just aim high. no more joking around. i wanna aim at least 3.5 for my GPA. since i scored like GPA OF 2.75. how pathetic. okay. till here then NIGHTS.

im Lost.

Where were you? i used to know you so well. My life is crumbling down. Its going downhill again. I am hating it. As always. I am sad. I hide everything inside. I have no one to talk to. Even when i know someone real long. I just can't open up much. I showed them happiness but deep down inside i am just as sad as ever. I hide my sadness behind a smile. What i really want in my life right now ? beside me ? where i could just hug someone? and let my feelings i am feeling inside fades away? I just wish Richard is near me. He is just damn far. It will took such a long time for him to get here. I can't deny.. he is the only one I truly loved. Someone who always have made me smile. The one who i am always me. I could not hide myself from him. He loves me for me. But theres this huge barrier . separating us. Maybe some people will be like thinking " what? she is still young? what does she know about this stuff? " I am not joking man. i seriously felt it. Something i never felt before. I have known a lot of other guys here in Singapore. For sure, thats not the real me. Im not those kind of girl. sorry , i just can't open up myself. I'm just socially awkward.

So , shall stop being so emo and stuffs. i shall try to make myself happy. I am going to buy myself a penny board. Yes, i am going to skate. I am not joking. I ve tried it and i LOVE IT.  after falling , i can really encourage myself in this. I don't care if my mum disagree in me skating. I must do what i believe in. Mum never really likes to support in whatever i do . since Young. ALL her ways i have to follow. but sorry mams, I'm Doing it my way now. No turning back. So i will be skating with my neighbors here. and ill be the only girl again. Dayum, hanging out with them is just simply awesome. :D  heh. No joke! EXCITED !