Hey,
so today went out with BFFLS <3
went changi in the morning and off to town.
went to Shaw lido to say HI at him. i swear , it is nerve-wrecking, i was literally shivering , and it is hard for me to utter a word. my brain was filled with words but my lips are somehow sealed. it Is REALLY AWKWARD. when i look into his eyes, i went silent. why ? i dont really know the reason why.
My friends felt that my standards in Liking a boy have dropped drastically.
what matter now , which i really believe in now , is how their hearts is. He is really nice , i wont deny that.
i am sure gonna miss him. feel like hanging out with him.
we chatted on twitter yesterday.. we give some hints to each other. but none of us really hope so much about it . what am i going to do ?

i am currently waiting for his texts. wondering will he ever text me. he asked for my number yesterday. i was so happy , but .. am i Hoping so much about it ? i should not right ? like , cmon.. i must learn my mistakes from the previous times i have hoped so much about something really can affect me so much. i always have this fast warm heartbeat when looking at new tweets at my twitter account. the warm feeling where i really wished i saw your tweets. What is all of this things happening to me? i wish i could just tell you how i really feel but this courage in me wouldn't rise up to the challenge, i am like a timid mouse hiding from a huge lion.

So i don`t know where this thing going .
about me liking Dany. i don`t know if i should really believe in what my heart says.
he is giving me signs . he said he missed me . he is going to NS soon. and i am sure i am gonna miss him so so so so so much. i guess it would`nt be the same as before .
he have made me love the job i am in right now . and the fact that he is going . i dont know if i can make it the way i know i can do it when he is near me . he have helped me alot. taught me alot of things i dont know. I am really thankful for that.
the first time we talked , it really made me having butterflies in my stomach. i really wanted to talked to you . but i cant find the right words to make it out of me.
i really want to go out with him one day. watch movies or something.
want to know more about him.
haha. well cut all this crappy talk.


Tomorrow i will be going out with baby Girlfriend`s :D
going to Changi airport and to lido , i just want to see his face one last time. before i never get to see him anymore on the 8th of December.
Problem is , I DON`T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR !! My goodness !! Never mind , BFFL will be coming my house early in the morning at 9am. HEHE. my savour.
so yea. hopefuly tmrw will be a great day for me :)

So I just find out the truth ,

He dosent have any Gf . So I was kinda happy and at the same time not hoping and.putting tooo much high hopes. He going to NS sooon . Onthe 8th of december , and I dont know if I can take it. I want to asl for his twitter account. But I am afraid. I must be brave arent I ? I must find the courage to do so. I just have to.

So this past few days , there is alot of problems going about at alifs life. its all a misunderstanding. Just PURE EPIC MISUNDERSTANDING. Met sabrina two days back. On monday.

She is perfect for Him. But ... If alif to liked her , he just cant . Its like his Bros quote between their group. Long story. But I feel him. I will try my best to look out for him and always support his back. Im always here for him.

Im having cough and flu right now. And this cough Is getting on my nerves. Feel like slaughtering my throat into pieces. Haahaha. so yeah , updated my blog now , as my sis just finish bathing coming back from her prom. And seriously .. she looks better than me when I was having my prom. Lucky ass. Heh. <3 I did all her make ups and pick out a good outer shirt for her dress. I have sucessfully changed my plain jane into so me one new and better. Yey ! Welldone me !

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So today, worked as ushering. Disnt update my blog as I was tired and totally forgotten till the next day.

I dont know what is up with me this past few days, I didnt pay attention much to what everyone is telling me. What is wrong with me ?

Today , I have to pay 10 bucks, to the promoter. Like , WOAH. after my sis written down her name. Like , omg. What have I done ????!!!!

I hate myself for that. Seriously. Regret.. In my heart I was like , O M G . WHAT DID I JUST DO ?????

I feel like crying . I feel like shouting . I feel like running away. Damn.

Lesson learn, I neeed to be more aware and careful. I hate myself, I hate myself . I hate myself. I hate myself. ARGGHHHHHH ~

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I did.not update my blog for a long time because im buzy lately ? And Im forgetful . HAH ! I have forgotten to update ! My GOSH ! Lol. So , yeahhh ..worked today at movie bites. And I know im gonna go to CSO one day , and I am.afraid... Afraid. Seriously , cause , sis have already learning to do that. Its her second day too ! Fyi. Urgh , cowardness suc

SO. Tmrw will be REST day. No work till monday that is. Heh. So okay, great. Rest rest rest, I need to read some boooks. Seriously.

I cant believe what I am saying right now , but , yeahhh , I really miss studying. I cant think and know more stuffs. I filled with questions !! O M G , what have school done to me ????! Thirtsy for knowledge !!!

Wooaah :O, oh , thats abit exaggerating. LOL. so yeah , gonna read up on my encylopedias at home. Yes , I do have an encyclopedia. About everything. Bought it since im primary one ?

To be honest , I havent read it since  pri 4 ? HAHAHA ! Its like 6 years !! Woaaah . Call me nerd , but hey , nerds are smart ass people. And I am one of them. :D

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It hurts to know the truth. The truth hurts. But look at the bright side , I m not hoping to much. Really , teenagers life is full of problems.

the question is ,

Why am I always wanting to have someone in my life ? to be in a relationship.. Why ? I have always want someone to be with me , where someone can really understands me.

But .. The problem is , there is no one who does.

For what I see now , is just me. And my friends. I am always hoping to have someone in my life which will stay by my side. There is alot of things revolving around my mind. Hoping , wishing.. Nothing came true. Let me just be in love with anime's its better that way. I know its sounds crazy .. But , its better that way.

I felt that i am not fun to be with.

Im just someone. Typical someone. Inside me just want to burst out everything , to enjoy life. To be more courages. To be more confident. I wish I am , but im not putting any actions. This is just hopeless.

I wanna talk to someone so badly.

But idk who.

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Sorry I didnt update my blog yesterday I am sick. Having fever soar throat and flu. Hah ! I hated it. This combination sucks. So yeaaaah, I went to work yesterday , it was supposed to be mh full shift but , I asked to go home at at 430.as I am nor feeling well. Ouh , it was hell alright. I was sooooo sleeeepy and my eyes keep on tearing. My body is all cold and my legs are aching. Regretted for a moment for coming to work. Hah. Today is my afternoon shift. So I will be back at night. Heh. Yesterday was super awkward. Between me and him. We didnt talk .. Cause maybe there is mum . I missed him.. Hah ! I just dont know why. Hmm. hopefully today the time flies fast , cause I just got better for my fever . But I'm still weak. Drats.

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So today is just a typical sunday. Didnt go out . I guess everybody is so lazy and tired to even go out. Hah ! Slept at my grandma's rooom. So today will be sleeping at my rooom. Alfiq and sue have came back from melacca. Drats... Didnt get to party at home without him at home. Sometimes life without them.would be more peaceful . Hmm . So basically tmrw will be my last O level paper. Im.kinda nervous for my results eventhough its during january . Mid january. Hmm.

Nothing much to update about.

Download songs to ny phone. So there would be more variety of songs to listen to .

I guess ure always on my mind today. I guess its just so obvious. I just need to let it all out. Will be meeting sheila in the morning. So I guess ill pour out everything. If I can do it. Sometimes... I wanna tell about it . It just wont let go. Why ?

I always found it hard to stop thinking about u. It just come in naturally . Its not enough for me to look into ur eyes. Watch u smile. I love it. I simply love it. The way u called me... Hmm. I simply love it. I dont even know why. I just did.

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Today is my second day at work , I think I had fun . He came today. Was super surprised ! He CAME! I dont even know why I am soooo happy. Urgh. Lol. So yeah , we talked for awhile , he have helped me alot. Like alot. I have to thanked him for being so.helpful. Heh. So yeahh , some customers are asking for me to slap their face. Nnever know some people still do exist ! So sunday and monday no work , and that ... Tuesday is Full Shift. Woaaah. Its gonnna be tiring . So so tiring.

I am thinking to ask him his twitter . To follow .  But I am afraid. =/ I dont know why. Haha ! I dont mind getting to know him better. He is such a gentlemen. I think he is already taken . So im not hoping tooo much.

Im sick and tired of getting hurt over and over again. It sucks like totally. T O T A L L Y. I am afraid I wont get back up like how I used to or even stronger than I was before.

I cant take all of it . I will burst out crying. My heart is so fragile. I hated it. So much.

Hopefully Tuesday will be a great day. :D <3 <3

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Something inside me,my heart wants me to not tell you what have happened in my life , what I am feeling right now..not towards you but , what I am feeling towards HIM. I dont know if this is like a typical crush or what ?. I just love it the way he looks at me . Smiles and laughed.  The way his presence making me feel that I will be alright when he is around. What I really think towards life. To show you my blog. The words I cant tell you in text messages. This is just where I can pour everything out.

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Hey so , today was my first day at work .. And im kinda suck at it. Maybe because im kinda a nooob at it. Lol. Im a noob I got to admit it. So my partner named , Dany ? Is that how we spelled it ? Lol. So yeahhh.. He taught me everything I need to know. Hmmm. So happy that I got to watched Tin Tin .. Eventhough I hate it at first. He asked me to watch it. So yeah.. Watched and I loved It. He even.bring me a popcorn.... Weird ..... And awkward... Lol. So yeah. one thing I learned , DONT JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER ! Haha ! So , tnrw will be in the afternoon shift ... And I dont know who are the rest .. And worst of all .. Im the only girl. You know me , I dont mix with people that easily. Seriously. OMG ! Just praying that I wont screw up. GAHHHHH !! Oh , fyi, he saw TED MOSEBY IN PERSON, THE GUY IN "HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER" ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!! Damn. he is sooooo lucky =..= .

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Okay , so.its midnight now , and im not asleeep yet. What is wrong with me. My body clock seems to be runnibg wild these few days , I have to work tmrw and im acting up all of these nuisance. So , basically I am afraid of tmrw. Will I be able to work with the other guys ?.like , cmon ... Im the only one who is a girl there and others are like boys. WOAH. I am unable to smile to people easily its merely impossible.hmmm. I need to be more friendly. I am im a school where all the students are just so ... Hmm. Lets just say not in my ideal part in circle of friends . They are just a typical common schoolmates. There are the Popular ones , the whole gang part , "dancers" and also not forgetting MnMs , which well known as .. "Gangsters" yeaaahhh. Who will ever forgotten about them ? =.= most ... Irritating groups. Im one of those who is in the Invinsible group. I dont like people to notice me. Attentions are just waaaayyy to freakky. All eyes on you . Woah. Major distraction. Haha ! I always wabted to be in a jamming band or a hip hop dancer. I love to do all of those but afraid of what people think of me. Brrr. I just have to face my own fears one day.

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So , here I am again.. Well currently I am at isetan lido. Im  waiting for my mum and sis. They will finish their work at 530 ? So yeah. Tmrw will be my first day working here.. And guess what ?i will be in ushering. Like Whuat ??? I dont want that section. Its soooo boring. Hey wait , so tmrw is friday , and that means that its FRIDAY NIGHT. woooooooah. Hell no. daamn. Wait , I dont know if I should be happy or ? If im ushering, that would mean I can talk to awesome cute boys. Eh , im not being flirty or anything but I have to look at the bright side of life right ? I am being positive am I ?

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It is almost 1130,

Sister is not back.home yet.

I thought that my bro will be fetching her there . But I was wrong. Wrong !

Hmm. Maybe i am someone who is giving wrong information on something. Because.of me , my sis had to miss her bus. What have I done. Guilty starts to build inside me. Im.soooooo hopeless. Everytime I want to help.. It just turns bad. I might as well not help. Let it all.be as what it is..But , I cant bear to see people in need of help. I wish someday that my helpness will somewhat make their way to help that person. In some other ways and some other time. I really wish it would. Im sooo careless at times.

My friends usually called ne as the strongest one.. But they dont know that what they see inside is not who I am inside. I am so weak in the inside. My weakness is all so obvious. One hit and ill be as weak.as twig. I may break.. But I will.never get to fix myself up. I cant stand strong .. Emotions running wild. I am.unable to control everything. Hoping that I will someday be useful.and.stronger.as I am.before.  Nothing can reaallly able to make me as who I am.before. Or isit because of my education now that make me this way ? All.so tensed and afraid of what lies ahead of me. my fears are alot. I wish also one day I am able to face up to all my fears. Maybe , hopefully.

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So here I am updating my blog again . Revising ..for my papers tomorrow. And also waiting for my sis from work. I dont know if this is a good.idea, cause.most prolly...she will be home midnight. And my papers are like 8 in the morning.

Nvm. Sacrifice. So... Hopefully I wil" get the marks I want. Caramel frappe are my favs. Especially.statbucks . Hmm. Yums.

You might think I wont know .. But my feelings are mostly true. my feelings can feel the truth while u are lying. Please. Just stop all of these dramas. I dont really mind if you really like him. Like cmon, I dont waste my time on him. I dont really love him. Its just a crush. I cant even imagine myself being with him . Its fading .. My feelings towards him is fading. U can have him all to urself. Cause real man cant be stolen. And my mum taught me to give away old toys to someone less fortunate. Sometimes I do feel that u are nowhere near my ideal friend. Friends dont lie to each other. =.= its sooooo immature. Psh. Thinking all of this stuffs just making me feel that you are just a two face @$&_: . Im sorry but this is how I feel towards you. Dont bother coming near me. I wont entertain such person.

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So today will be my Sister first day at work. and here iam still with my laptop .
tomorrow will be MT paper .. for MY MAJOR EXAM . yes i retaking it.
hmm i guess that .. i can get an A1 .
i am lacking of motivation .. i just hit a nail on its head. MOTIVATION.
no one seems to motivate me anymore .
there is nothing to keep me moving forward.. all i get is just stress. People keep on pressurizing me to do better. only tell the bad side of everything . the negative side i would say. People all around me teaches me to be pessimistic. Never in my life i see someone so Positive. I wish i had one friend which is Positive thinking. so they can help me to be one too. i need my own initiative .. to do it . to be Positive, its hard. it will be easier if actions is easier than words.

So today have been quite a tiring day for me .
wore heels for the first time, and i am not regretting preferring sneakers over heels .
Heels are just making me feel more pain.. seriously.
its nice on me though but nah , i`ll pass , cause i don`t wanna look good if i feel pain. seriously . it won`t bring us any good.
looking for a job is so hard. even tough that i already have one .. which is at LIDO Imax. hmm .maybe in life u cant get waht u want huh ?
u have to work hard for it , to achieve what we really want .
so i just had my dinner. Umm yum yum.
while listening to music .. here i am updating ..
actualy , everytime i hear music .. alot of things is running through my mind.
im always thinking of something ...
reoccuring all the memories.
i always re read our old conversations.
i miss you all that . i Miss having someone where i can talk about everything.
being random at times.
i guess people wont know how i really felt.
i wanna scream it all out .. but something is blocking it.
there is some boundaries , a invisible wall covering all of scream .
where people wont be able listen.
Inside have been wanting to break free , I guess i dont really know.
i wanna feel freedom. I wanna Be who i really am.
but there are always things happened which i felt make me went back inside my
shell.
i dont know ? Thats just how i feel.
When i want to say something .. i just dont know how to elaborate it more . making people feeling hang. Or isit just me ? Feeling so paranoid.
i need to let loose. Of everything .
may my future of my life will be better, that is what i only wish for.

Hey ,
okay , sometimes i feel not to trusts you .
i don`t know why but my feeling felt that way.
my mind and heart is working together now . Weird ?
usually my heart and mind wont work together as they both have different perspective towards a particular problem . Hmm .
i guess i just have to sit back and let it all low. Like how you acted in front of me every time . its just adding more clues to what i am suspecting.
I hope i wont make the wrong choice. oh and i am really sorry if i don`t trusts you like how i used to.. i guess things change. Sometimes things changed for a reason,
well my reason ? let just keep it to myself, one thing for sure its not about how i am felling towards boys and all stuffs . i just noticed something in you which i really think that all you want is just attention ? hmm . maybe what i am facing now is just a wrong conclusions, i really really really Don`t know. i may be wrong , but for what i see now... i am still sticking to my opinion, unless you told me otherwise , explain everything, I may be paranoid though. who would`nt be right ?
everyone dosen`t want to get hurt over and over again they really feel that they might get tricked and lied to . Hell ? Yeah , let me just say .. since i know you .. you are making my life as living in hell. i am sorry.

Okay , so O level is ending.
i cant wait, wanna get myself into Long boarding,
hehe. cant wait, :D <3
okay so ... my life now is just revolving around alot of dramas,
i hate it so much . but sometimes life without dramas will be very boring .
maybe .. this is just what life is about.
all the backstabbing. which friends make to each other,
nice in the front ..in our backs ? they are someone you never know, or maybe we are just blind by the lies they made ?
sometimes all of these questions are just making us doubt ourselves.
hmm , i don`t know . maybe i am that weak ? in this kid of life stuffs.
sometimes i just need someone to tell me what is right and wrong ?
doing the right things sometimes make us feel wrong. Life is so contradicting.
i juts scared of what lies at my future.
i am afraid that my future wont be as something i want.
hmmm. scared that i wont be someone that i have always wanted .
life is the script that we write ourselves. its how we want it to be .
but .. i don`t know what really am good at. what i love ..im still searching what i am really is.
my fantasies kept me moving on.
ALL those dreams i dreamt is juts telling me something.. but i don`t know what is trying to tell me.
i still learning to love myself, i guess i love myself more than i used to be. that is a good thing that had happened in my life. I have wonderful friends behind me.
But some are just to .. i cant explain. they just trying to sow me something. I dot know.. are they trying to show me their true colors ? their true self ? I may never know. What must i do ? oh well .of what i am doing right now ? it is just GO WITH THE FLOW ~