Lame jokes

I cant stop myself from making lame jokes.
some people really do get it but some people just ... well look at me like i am a dork.
and most of the time ... i am the dork.
my mind is just having some weird stupid voices in me ...
like i am having conversations with myself.
dont really care what i am doing... this conversation will be up there in my skull. the centre of all actions and words. THE BRAIN.
it is like myself in devil and angel self having an argument towards each other. the good side vs the bad side. and most of the time.. the bad side will always win. how weird does that sounds... i think i am crazy.

Test is coming up and i am pretty sure i dont have the mood to study? theres alot for me to handle. but my other side was pretty much wanting to study so that i wont regret it at later part of the week or month. or even worse.... year.

So the question is, why am i holding back when most part of me is wanting to study?

Touch and Go.

So, he said it again about meeting each other yesterday.
I think really it was just a touch and go thingy.
I was happy, i didnt deny that.
But, why is it so hard for us to meet when his camp is just beside my school?
Oh wait, Maybe because he have training and i ... well stuck in school to study.
"SO CLOSE YET SO FAR" was the exact phrase to sit in this situation.
Alot of what ifs are in my head right now. Is it me who thinks alot or ?
What if he was just saying it?
i told Nico about this though and he said that He is an asshole
cause he wasn't that serious.
the funny thing is , Nico said he was serious about me.
But, i couldn't believe him. Well, I have to say he is always playing around.. .and he wasn't the serious type of person. like,, i have been talking to him for 3 years now? but we haven't meet like at all. Sometimes we are open to each other... we always tell what are our problems and also when we are angry at someone or something. but why haven't we meet? what if we meet? what would i do?
i will be awkward thats for sure... cause ... it will be. i just know it.
i could not imagine how it would be if we meet.
Maybe it is better for us to talk behind devices than to meet face to face?
Maybe things are better off to be secretive and mysterious?

Drifting begins.

So, it is normal for people to drift away from you after talking so much.
maybe after they are bored of you?
or maybe, because of they are lonely at first, and you're the first list of the "victim list"
and when they found someone more interesting and fun to talk to ...
you're just yet another stranger to them.
I bet they already have forgotten about you.
The self blaming begins.
I cant stop blaming myself of what is happening.
I blamed for being to overly attached to someone so fast.
Just because of the looks.
 I blamed myself for not being interesting.
I blamed myself for being so mono.
who am i kidding?
this is all part of the cycle.
i just know this will happen sooner or later
but ... i didn't know.. that it would be this soon.



Is it just me or is it just the way the cycle is?
Am i on Denial?

Lost in the dark

Ever had a feeling where you just lost interest in everybody and anybody?
it is like, you dont have any feelings of affection towards the person who shows interest in you.
you shove them away. You prefer to be alone. Knowing you are lonely ... but you still prefer to be alone. I have done so much stupid things in life. Those stupid things kept haunting me back
every time i try to look forward. Those regretful moments in my life where i wished i shouldn't have done it. Being pressured and wanting to try out new things ... make me do it without thinking for the consequences i will face at the later part of my life. Why do i talk about this? well, for sure i am having this self reflection moment with myself right now. like late night. where everyone is  asleep and i am just here ... typing this all out. I guess i can say here is where i shall put my feelings into words i cant share to anyone.

My days are pale
Everything is still
Everyone is dead.
My eyes looks around
to see the light of day.
There was no sound
only the  sound of a busy street
with a silent heartbeat.
The darkness came in my heart
memories i tried to erase
being still as a stick
brittle as it looks.
as light as a feather
as my memories haunts me
regrets fill me up
wishing time would turn back
rewinding and making things right.
Others were happy.
I am left behind.
Thinking that you would feel me
but i was wrong.
You were still in to her.
you filled me with lies
i believe those words,
i should have known better
that you were "smarter".
being as stupid as i am,
I believed your lies
as a liar you are.

Looking at your picture, i was sad, to be honest, but i couldn't possibly tell you. I dont want you to see me as a desperate person. cause i am not. I should have know all those hints you gave me. but i was blind. I was blind with all those words you've given me. I shouldnt have shared alot of things. things that are not meant to share. When will i ever have the true meaning of happiness?