update.

This past few weeks, have been a very busy week for me. Exam just ended today and I pretty sure ...... i did okay for the papers. not really confident in pharmacology and Nursing Science 3.... though. wait , easy said.... lets just said ... all the papers. meh. I am supposed to go for class chalet/barbeque but however, MUM last minute disagree for me to go. I really hate it when it happens. I am literally mad at her. i begged her and try to be very logical .. but she keeps on persisting of her answer which is a very big NO. with no logical reason behind it.  her ultimate weapon? WALK AWAY ~ and just left you hanging,stunned... yep, every single time. So, i had to miss all the fun there and just celebrate the end of the semester examination alone, yes, ALONE. maybe that is what my mum really wants me to be. a loner. it is pretty unfair though. My mum told me a story when she was a teen, and about 20 years of age she went to a chalet and had a sleep over.... and stuffs and the fact that she hates it after having an experience.... over night. well.. she thinks that whatever she experience.... must not be experience by her daughters. maybe? I DONT KNOW.  I can never get how she thinks. but i still love her i really do.  Please dont get the wrong message .i just have to get how she really thinks maybe i can like understand her ? maybe?


well, i think its on .. urmm, last friday? on the 15 august ? yeah, went out with my best friend ali and stella. went shopping you can say ? me and ali bought a pair of same tees . CATS.  cause we are obsessed with it and you can say... its like... "eh ika, wanna get the same shirt?" then i was like " HELL YEAH?" HAHAHA. its like we clicked. we knew whats on each other minds. HAH. maybe cause we knew each other since secondary one and that he used to be my brother's best friend in primary one. yes. we are in the same primary school till secondary school. was his classmate since sec1 till sec 5. hahahha ! good old times. good old times. and stella bought a new dress. she looked so sweet in it. heh. <3 .="" i="" love="" muuccch.="" nbsp="" p="" so="" them="">

Well, ive been asking this question to myself this past few days....

.Must a Guy Best friend back out when you are having a relationship? is there a meaning behind it? 

Hari Raya.

so it is the end of the fasting month. one month. i thought i was getting a full fast this year, Unfortunately, my period came on the 5th last day of the month. I wanted to cry.... but it is what it is. so i just had to suck it up. im not over it though.
so a lot of things happened. and i just have to say, i have to just go out from my comfort zone right? try something that I am afraid of. Face my fears they would say. I am just hoping i wouldn't make the very same mistakes i always did.

making a vlog have already been in my mind this past few days . but i could not think of any ideas on how my first video would be. i am not saying I am doing this vlog to be popular or something. I just want to like you know share my daily life. apparently, i am doubting people would want to watch my videos. so i might as well do it to just my own entertainment.

I am excited to have 4 hamsters. Yes, I am going to have a new pet. and additional of 4 members to the family. so it would be 3 males and one female. hopefully when they grow up they could bear little hamsters for me xD . heh. the story of having this additional little adorable pet is that ... my friend, named Rashidah, she had 2 hamsters. one female and one male. apparently, it gave birth to four adorable little hamsters.  at first, she wanted to give me just 2 and other 2 to her friends... however, she texted me this morning that is it okay for me to have all 4. well... i couldn't possibly say no. so i dont mind actually. so yeah. i took all 4 because she cant bear to separate all them. heh. I am so excited for them. this wednesday i am going to have them. i will try and took a picture of it, if i remember and not in a lazy mood. i would. i will try my best. :D


so tomorrow, i am going to meet Aidil to have breakfast and go to school together. because i have NS3 revision lecture and he had to come to school for something. hopefully, contact lens are at my aunt house in jelapang right now. because it was for him. aidil asked me to buy for him. he wanted red contact lens. so yah. and he have yet to pay me. it was horrible enough that he could not get it by raya. and he have waited for a long time for it. i felt so bad, ): so yeah. that is probably sum up of everything that is happening this past few weeks. oh ! i almost forgot, i had planned a surprise birthday party for my best friend, robert, heh. learnt a lot of things from him...like for an example, masterplans. and made sure nothing is left out. he was pretty surprised and impressed by my plans. eventhough he suspected something, well it is all in my plans. and im very happy for my plans. it went well... all as planned. good job ika. :D . oh well. that is all.

Random post.

well hello there. as much as i want to start my assignments... things around me would not allow me to. ohh wait... either cause i am too lazy to start off with. This is a random post because i am currently in my school library and having a very very long break before our next class. 4 hours of break is not good. really. well, it was supposed to be three hours but i received a text from my class that NS3 IS CANCELLED and that it will resume next week. I wasnt that sure wether to be happy or sad about that. 4 hours of break? SERIOUSLY. 3 hours is enough for me. and as much as you guys are reading my blog, and you guys might think that " come on ! 4 hours of break ! im dying for one ! " well guys, HOPE I CAN GIVE THIS TIME TO YOU GUYS! i might as well have a lesson straight and be back home fast then to have a long period of hours and be back home late. i dont know it is just me i guess.

anyways, i am thinking of making a vlog.. but i could not think of any start off video to begin with. I need suggestions. i really need one and a good one. i need to hav my very own ideas. i have the camera and memory card sufficient for my videos. im just lacking of ideas... yes. ideas.......

help ?

what is life?

Well hello blog. Sorry I have been very busy lately and I really have forgotten about you most of the time. Currently I am having a lot of assignments to be done and submitted on the week 17 and trust me..... I have did nothing so far except for my NSL health education cause my teacher asks us to send her by Sunday. Honestly, I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPLETE THIS. my weekends are busy this week. Saturday having BCLS and Sunday having FAOW at east coast park. So I am done with the brochure for my NSL. thank god. just have to email it to teacher and hopefully and praying hard it would be okay. Currently listening to Ghost town. at least it could make me feel awake for my assignments I have to do. :(

so like my title says... What is Life ?

I don't know actually. I don't know what I am doing in my life. Firstly, people keep on saying I don't show any interest in my course right now and I am starting to believe them... and my interest is fading. I MUST STOP THIS AND FIND IT BACK. I really want to graduate... but I could not imagine myself being a nurse.

secondly,

I feel that I have been dazing off and thinking of nothing. I feel nothing... I think of nothing and just nothing really. I don't know what is wrong with me and all. cause I don't really know myself.  does that make sense even?

can someone at least tell me what is life? what do you guys want to do in your life? See the future imagine yourself being what you guys are studying right now? and how the future would be?
Oh well. I guess I still have a lot of things to learn.

Suffering in silence

I cried myself to sleep everynight.
No one noticed. Best friends could not even see through me. No one see through me. I dont know what i want in life. Life is actually easy but we made it complicated.
I am ... Laughing smiling .. To everyone almost everyday of my life. But... Maybe what phrase says is true..
"Maybe the girl who laughs and smiles are broken inside"
I do feel like im suffering in silence Suffering from a depression. I hate myself. I hate most of the people around me. Maybe i filled with this hatred so that i could make myself feel secured for a moment. Yes i hate myself. No one sees it. No one ever did. I am never strong. Not ever. I pushed people away from me because i prefer to be alone. But i cant stop this lonely feeling inside me. I thought i have found someone who could really understand me....but he left . He said i couldnt understand him and i never knew him. I am suffering to really know myself. He never understand what i am feeling. Those people whom i am closed with is now busy with their schools, relationship and stuffs. And im just here sitting in the dark alone. Crying , shouting. Filling myself with hatred every single day. I couldnt trust anyone now. I really cant. Ii wont deny. I kept comparing myself with others. Its not helping. I know that. I can never find something good that is in me. Just need someone to help me get out from this darkness i am in. Someone?

Insecurities

Insecurities. Everyone has that. Well, apparently, im having those now. Its breaking me. Everytime i look myself in the mirror, all i want to do is just change everything. When i look at myself, i kept on comparing myself with all the other people around me. All i hear is just the bad part of me , and how imperfect i am. My personality is not that good. I know that. Im never different. I came across a quote while browsing my facebook. It says " stop comparing yourself to others, no one can do better than you in being you" (something like that) . I dont know. I m just keeping everything in me.

Trusts.

Trusts. I have learned that .. even family members can just take an advantage on trust given to them. Dont blame anyone though. I blamed myself for giving them too much trusts and chances in always stabbing my back. I feel sometimes my family dont really be there for me when im cying or just screaming out loud. I prefer to be all alone. Atleast i wont betray my trust myself. From now onwards, i wont trust anyone. Even my family members. I ll be the one who make judgment of everything. I am the one who will blame myself and do everything myself without any concerns to my family. Dont blame me when i didnt really talk to you guys as often. Look at yourself, saying family.. but im always the one who gets all the blame. Im tired of cleaning my brother's shit everytime. I am always in the wrong. He is not even my real brother. Its really unfair. I didnt admit that i take my aunts charger because i am afraid... yes, i do feel afraid sometimes. But people tend to forget that i have a feeling of fear. It is just sad. I hide all my feelings to make me look strong and its funny how people really forgotten that i too have feelings. It dosent really mean if i hide my feelings, i dont have it at all. People have to really understand me. But they dont.... no one does. So, my brother found out i took my aunts charger , and i told him not to tell my mum as i dont want to hear her nagging. Apparently , he told my mum about it... DUDE, i wont even help,talk or whatever to do with you. I am no longer related to you. I gave you everything and this is what you gave me? I got your back when you are at wrong... when get beaten up by dad.... i felt sad for you. I know you bro.. ure a two faced . Im not kidding about that. You dare to talk about your real mum and when ure with her, you just being all the “im a good son” YOU Even talk behind your mum tell everyone what your mum did. Wah , dude... i dont even do that to my mum. Congrats yeah ? Thanks for this.. really. You have proven to me .. that i wont even give you any chance and trust. Thanks for making me learn not to trust anyone ... including family members. I am not surprise that alot of people wont want to be friends with you. I shouldnt have help you with khid. I should have let him beat you up. Cause , you cant really keep promises. Youre not a good guy. You never are. Well.. yeah, i regret and ashamed to call you my “brother” ... sorry, i wont forgive you. You gave me alot of shit. Thanks once again. 

Sunday Afternoon,

Its sunday today, and a very lazy one indeed. I am currently at the clubhouse opposite my house. They locked the dayum gate and we have to climb over it. Good job guys, Keep it up. stay cool. yes, i am being sacarstic. Just had my lunch at 2 pm just now, ate a arabian food. i don't know why I'm updating my blog. but i just want too. talking crap right now. cause i have nothing to say. Twinny is watching Ghost adventures 2 tables away from me... and i swear the mosquitoes here are asking me to kill them even though I'm giving them some mercy. " HELL YEAH MOSQUITOES ... NO MORE MERCY ! ILL CHOP YOU UP LIKE A CHEESECAKE YOU ARE ~ " NAH, no ... they are not cheesecake. was just having this random thought. MUAHAHA. alright.~ met BFFL SHERRY on friday though. She went down to my school and meet up with he boyfriend first while waiting for me , cause i was having my cellular molecular biology (cmbio) quiz. manage to complete it in 15 minutes. xD Horraaayy ~ <3 ...somehow="...somehow" .="." 19th="19th" 8pm.="8pm." a="a" after="after" ahd="ahd" all="all" alright="alright" am.="am." am="am" and="and" apparently="apparently" asap="asap" at="at" awesome.="awesome." bad="bad" becoming="becoming" bffls="bffls" but="but" cabbed="cabbed" cause="cause" dayum="dayum" didn="didn" dinner="dinner" down="down" early="early" end="end" enjoy="enjoy" expecting="expecting" fail.="fail." felt="felt" forward="forward" friend="friend" fun="fun" guess="guess" had="had" have="have" head="head" hehe.="hehe." her="her" home="home" house="house" how="how" i="i" it...="it..." it="it" joke.="joke." lazy="lazy" least="least" like="like" look="look" looking="looking" love="love" loves="loves" meet="meet" meh="meh" much="much" my="my" nbsp="nbsp" need="need" no="no" not="not" on="on" oppps="oppps" our="our" p="p" play="play" playing="playing" pool="pool" right="right" school="school" sean="sean" sherryxd="sherryxd" shows="shows" so="so" study.="study." study="study" t="t" that="that" thats="thats" the="the" they="they" this="this" though.="though." tired.="tired." to="to" too="too" town="town" twinny="twinny" up="up" update="update" usually="usually" wasn="wasn" we="we" were="were" why="why" wifi="wifi" will="will" with="with" won="won" xd="xd" yeah.="yeah." yeah="yeah">

Eye candy.

When u thought that You are already happy that someone notices you. Especially someone whom is your eye candy.

Something bad will always come after a good time huh? Thanks to my awkwardness and being straightforward, i think he finds it rather awkward...and he is somewhat different from how he used to be. He rarely texts me now, or even message me in facebook. I told him that he is my eye candy which is the reason why i find it awkward when we were having lunch together yesterday. But i had fun.

Is being awkward and being me, really that unacceptable by people around me ? Im always giving them awkward vibes. I wont deny that i am, socially awkward when it comes to people i just get to know. I tend to have problems talking to them. Im always labelled as the anti social kind of girl. I cant help it. I am trying my best to get along with people , but somehow my awkward aura is giving other people the wrong message. I dont get it. I dont understand. Is being friends with other people that hard ? Cant people just stop judging? I think i just gave him a very bad impression of me. Thanks . I just ruined my own life. Im hoing to dig my own grave and hide myself in there. Being in poly, yeahhh. Why not ?