who am i to you really?

sometimes i feel no one needs me in their life. they treat me as a choice. I'm like no one important. where they are afraid to lose me. Maybe it is just me that treat people i met like jewels. I must stop doing that. or i am really getting myself into a pool of turds. No joke. HAHAH. the only people i feel they are afraid to lose me is just my BFFLs And the other twin. My other twin , Fira. We have the exact things . we feel each other and those of the anger management problem we have. its not a surprise knowing someone really do care and afraid of losing us. we will feel loved and belong to that particular someone. I was chilling outside my house that day,thinking of life. about me, my future and everything got to do with this world. i cried. i was all alone. he was at my neighbor house. he went out and he literally ignored me. Not even a hi. I saw him with her, that ... yana girl where my bro had a crush on. she was so .... flirty. it hit me hard. No doubt. i was jealous. Why am i even jealous when he is not even mine. knowing that he likes me , and he knows i like him. its like , we are like normal with it. i understand. i don't wanna rush . I'm not really ready for it. Plus i am thinking of the long term . I am not short term type. i think far. and i know he is too. i came to him that day, i played badminton , but he ignored me . he never went to the clubhouse that night. he only smile . i waved at him and he just smile. not even a single wave. cause seriously , i don't know what is going on. I am clueless about this, who are we really ? are we friends ? or are you just avoiding me for something i didn't even do.

You Left Again.

Surprisingly, you left once again. Im sorry. Im not going after you again. Im sick and tired of your actions of leaving me over and over again. I have given you a second chance ... And im not giving you anymore. u ran away everytime i prove your point. Cause logically, im much sane then you. Its funny how i can endure you all those years. Not anymore man. Not anymore.
Oh! I didnt get any feelings of jealousy when youre with someone or anything I USED to feel. After what you did. I THOUGHT i love you... But actually i didnt. Its dayum hurtful.

Black out.

so ...sunday was pretty boring. The electricity when down because of the explosion of the transformer. from 1030 am to .. 730 pm. Its like. HOLY!! you never wanna know how i spend my day. Most of it. its just .... Sleeping. :O Yes. sleeping. No joke. and around ... 3pm ? we went out to Bukit Indah Jusco IEON shopping mall. till 6pm ? IT WAS ... hell boring. i was literally dying. Wanted to buy the Step Up 2 VCD .. but then mum was like ... i have not enough money with me right now. AND IM LIKE ! WHAAAAAT, another disappointing thing which also bring my mood down. Seriously. My day is just that boring. gahh ~ hell. i never want this day to happen again PLEASE ! so tomorrow is the start of semester 2  for my school. and hell yes ,,,, I'm looking forward to it. *hearts* Shall bulk up on my studies and just aim high. no more joking around. i wanna aim at least 3.5 for my GPA. since i scored like GPA OF 2.75. how pathetic. okay. till here then NIGHTS.

im Lost.

Where were you? i used to know you so well. My life is crumbling down. Its going downhill again. I am hating it. As always. I am sad. I hide everything inside. I have no one to talk to. Even when i know someone real long. I just can't open up much. I showed them happiness but deep down inside i am just as sad as ever. I hide my sadness behind a smile. What i really want in my life right now ? beside me ? where i could just hug someone? and let my feelings i am feeling inside fades away? I just wish Richard is near me. He is just damn far. It will took such a long time for him to get here. I can't deny.. he is the only one I truly loved. Someone who always have made me smile. The one who i am always me. I could not hide myself from him. He loves me for me. But theres this huge barrier . separating us. Maybe some people will be like thinking " what? she is still young? what does she know about this stuff? " I am not joking man. i seriously felt it. Something i never felt before. I have known a lot of other guys here in Singapore. For sure, thats not the real me. Im not those kind of girl. sorry , i just can't open up myself. I'm just socially awkward.

So , shall stop being so emo and stuffs. i shall try to make myself happy. I am going to buy myself a penny board. Yes, i am going to skate. I am not joking. I ve tried it and i LOVE IT.  after falling , i can really encourage myself in this. I don't care if my mum disagree in me skating. I must do what i believe in. Mum never really likes to support in whatever i do . since Young. ALL her ways i have to follow. but sorry mams, I'm Doing it my way now. No turning back. So i will be skating with my neighbors here. and ill be the only girl again. Dayum, hanging out with them is just simply awesome. :D  heh. No joke! EXCITED !

First page of our story .

I can't blame others. I tried to help. They blamed me instead. Thanks for helping but sometimes , i can't really take what you have done. Thanks for everything but right now.. I have to show what i am feeling all this while. Call me rude and such .. but you just have to know.. i am not your toy where you can just throw me around and leave me at the side as if i am not someone and somebody to you. i was never a choice. All the results i have given you was all because of my surroundings and all the problems faced us as a family. I once have given you the results you wanted but you never even congratulate me. i just want all of this biased action of yours to stop. Seriously. i know where i am right now ..was never your choice or you ever thought i ll be . Ifa entered her Dream school while i am in a course which you dislike .. You never want me to be in this. Ifa is now your favorite. you kept talking about her to everyone. you never talked about me to anyone .. just a brief introduction was all you did. I never really cared for any attention but its clear that you're ashamed of me. I'm not going to brag about this . I just had enough all of this. I will one day , gain my freedom. One day. its all I've wanted. FREEDOM.  Just once.

SO .. look ! ~ ITS MY BRACELET ~ its nice right ! IRETH is an elf name. !  and and ... RIKA ?!  its my favorite name together with my best friend , Richard . from canada. You know him right ?! From my previous blog updates? HEHE. yeah. so RIchard+ IKA = RIKA. there ! so its cleared. HEHEHE . and a KITTEN AND SKULL BUTTON ! omg. SO CUTE ~ thanks to my twin sister. i Simply love bracelets. as you can see. Without them.. i feel NAKED. no joke. Watches was never an accessories for me . its just .. a .. hassle. DAYUM. IM getting out of topic. not surprising. PFFT ~ Listening to Into your arms now. Anyways . today ~ tried skate a cursing board. and it was awesome !~ I fell though . BUT nvm ! every fall will always make me try even harder. EMBRACING IT. XD for some people who really knows me.. i SIMPLY LOVE FALLING. hahaha ~ weird. i know. But the hell , its me ,xD and i love me. CHEY ~ I'm talking crap . =.= . Toodles. 

On the First Page

Another day spent.

I miss having starbucks. Really. anyone? Shall call up my BFFL for me starbucks. she is my STARBUCKS partner ! so went USS today and i was super awkward cause i went together with my sis and her boyfriend . she was all lovey dovey .. holding hands and stuffs. and I'm like there. urmmm . what ride should i take next? HAHAHA ~ thanks to her also.. she bought for me a bracelet with IRETH RIKA name on it. and a skull also kitten button ! its so cute ! i love it !~ *hearts* i have spent my day ... pretty well... opened up my eyes during GALACTICA for cylon and human, I LOVE CYLON RIDE. anyone ?! lets go !

ended my clinical attachment yesterday. Not surprised that I'm THE MOST happiest girl ever there. I ran towards the counter when the clock strikes 9 pm. IM NOT being rude or anything. but ! ITS FRIDAY ! and i end the day pretty well ~ ^^ . aunt fetch me from the hospital with her new car she bought. a mitsubishi lancer car. =.= . IT WAS a very... long journey back home because ... we got lost. we went ang mo kio instead heading back to Bukit panjang. LIKE WHHUUUAAA ... SHE WAS like... " DO you know where to go ? " and I'm like... " GIRL ~ I WENT BY BUS ... I DONT CARE WHERE IT WENT ...AS LONG IM HOME ~ " hahahahha ~ it was so funny ~ Cant help it. her face .... was ... PRICELESS ~ *happy retard face*  Im Gonna miss all the people there at my clinical attachment. serious.

Update !

so hi !
I AM HERE TO UPDATE. LOL !
SO I HAVE ALREADY HAVE 9 CORE SKILLS TO COMPLETE MY CLINICAL ATTACHMENT . well .. wait.. i already had 14 .. ! how awesome?! LOL. competent. hahahha ~ okay. so ... big fuck uh? LOL. well like duh ?! i am that awesome.... i was pissed off most of the time today. cause of two person. annoying assholes. Dayum, i could just punch you there . DONT ever make me lose my temper. you guys will regret it. i swear. That deadly stare i gave you was just the beginning. It is nothing yet. N O T H I N G. fucked up attitude in a fucking wrong time. just .. leave me alone. Don't ever disturb me, i never liked you guys. You guys are just.. dayum bitchy. I DONT GO FOR GIRLS LIKE YOU GUYS. eeeew . creeps me out. Feel like punching you guys in the face and just taste your blood. mmmm. Sorry violence is one of my issues. I'm not hiding from anyone. If you wanna be friends with me , you must keep up with my violence. I don't need people to use me in times. i am never a choice. no one wants to be a choice. If you're gonna treat me as a choice... then FUCK OFF.  i don't need humans like you guys. _|_  . Ouh, i watched Fairy tail and Adventure time ! ouh ! not forgetting ... Times of Gumball ! dayum love it. CARTOON NETWORK RULES . LOL ~ hopefully tmrw will be a great day. ! i know ... it will ~ <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p" toodles.="toodles.">

Surprise news. Woaaaaaah.

SURPRISED NEWS IVE RECEIVED FROM MY BRO.

woaaah ~ unbelievable. Dude, you should just try and tell me the truth. you don't have to hide it. Dayum.. i know actually.. i just ignore those stuffs. cause i never ... i don't know man. i love hanging out with you and stuffs, Do such ... random things in ... like the most random times. LOL ! i had fun. thanks for being with us when we just moved in. had a blast. seriously dude, we're gonna miss you :'( i never wanna say goodbye ! WHY MUST YOU LEAVE !! now we're gonna be like ... quiet. no friend to hang out with. my life would be a bore when u don't have here. Gosh, ill set a day where we will hang out like how we used to ! come back here man !!~ i missed the times we spend the day together. LOL ! fighting was one of them. LIKE duh. HAHAHAHA !  okay. done. I ll text with ya soon ! :D HEARTS ! <3 knuckle="knuckle" nbsp="nbsp" p="p" punch="punch">

how ya doing ?

HEY ! its been a long time since i updated my blog. been very busy and lazy. normal thing for me . LOL . wanted to ... but every time i would want to update the other websites gave me a lot to offer. so i neglected my blog. What kind of person i am ?!  i don't know man . HAHAA. so I'm currently listening to 1985 by the bowling for soup. I LOVE THEM . On A SUNDAY MORNING. So , its almost three weeks of my Clinical attachment, I am having too much fun that is the reason why the time flies so fast. DAYUUM. HEH . so anyways , next week will be the last week . Hooray? I'm excited. cause i wanna spend my one week of holidays. CHEY ~ i have some assignments to do though. heh xD I ALMOST forgotten about that . DRATS !  so .. anyways ... THE WEATHER HERE ITS .... AWESOME ! come someone ... hug me. I'm cold ! LOL !

i made  a baby cry . HAHAH ! take that ! thats for Looking at me while I'm enjoying my burger ! MUAHAHAHA ! *EVIL FACE * sorry if i gave a nightmare though little kid. I'm just being a pedophile who would kill you during your sleep at night. so .. WATCHED A few videos so far .. at youtube ! DAMN . i wanna try to play slender ! LOL ! and DOOM 3 ? ! i WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO FINISH THAT GAME. hahahaha ! pathetic. AND what happens to my Skyrim! its at my aunt house ... And ... I'm here in malaysia ! MY SKYRIM BABY !  i wanna play you ! WHY YOU SO FAR. thats it. gonna save and buy my own PS3 . and games ! and play all night long. ! mUAHAHA !~ no one can stop me ! sis is busy with her art ... and I'm here ... slacking ... with lappy all the way. downloaded a few games. pretty pathetic . hahaa ~ bored ! i could just lie down and let myself surrender to boredom of all boredom. WTF ? am i typing ? I m in need of ENERGY DRINK . i think ... i think ... i am ... ENERDICTED.  energy + addicted. PRETTY awesome huh ? creative ! i like i like ! SO most probably thats all i have ? my blog kinda PLAIN ! for some people !~ * looking at you straight in your eyeballs* HMMM . LOL ! okay . so thats all . Byes ! shall update soon . i think ? if I'm not that LAZY and DISTRACTED. hahaha ! xD  . my sis boyfriend is so annoying. can i kill him ?! BUT before that .... ill make sure he shrink in size . AHAHAHA ~~  k. I'm bad. Stop it ika, NO. stop being so mean. DAYUM.

What is left ?

what is left between us? we are friends now.. but we missed the times when we were together. you told me you still loved me. so its mutual. i still love you. i never did confess yet. i am just am scared to be disappointed again. My sister's boyfriend asks me to be careful as he docent want me to get hurt.. awww how sweet ! but ... I still don't really letting you go if you were to hurt my sister. *judging face* LOL. okay whatever.. I'm side tracking. MEH. i still don't know if we will be able to be together again. heh. i really do want us to be together again. i don`t know why. some people might call me stupid or crazy as i can forgive him easily. just so you guys know , i never did hate him.. i never did try to forget about him. He is simply is the one  i always think about. no doubt. pffft ~ can't help myself. okay so !!! today andy came to work today. omg omg omg omg ... he is so cute ! OUH ! and we ate salted popcorn mix with iced milo ! its tasted like cereal ! no joke ! ouh and he tried sweet popcorn with iced milo and also with butter. he hates that . ITS NICE BUT HE SAID IT SUCKS ! lol ! come on ! ANDY SERIOUSLY ?!  ITS SO NICE ! hahaha. he is an Student of MMA.  


HEH. ouh ! i am meeting my secondary school best friends tomorrow.. its been almost a year since i last met them , miss them a lot. a lot a lot a lot. gosh. so we are going to have a short reunion tomorrow ! :D weeee ~ I'm so egg cited. and i have yet to look for a suitable clothing for tmrw's outing. gosh. maybe before sleep i will just dig my drawers for my clothes ! yes, i have yet to get myself a cupboard . lol ! pffft , pathetic little me. so yeah ! ill update again tmrw <3 are.="are." guys="guys" is="is" know="know" love="love" nbsp="nbsp" p="p" post.="post." reading="reading" this="this" who="who" whoever="whoever" you="you">

happy happy

so .. im in a happy mood today ! like seriously ! i feel sooo ... i don't know.. overwhelmed + hyper. MEH !  want to know why ? ..............................................................
.......................... it is because ............. ME AND RICHARD IS BACK TOGETHER AS FRIENDS !!! we are giving it another shot .. i missed him. he missed me. we tried to be happy without each other but we weren't able to do it. we felt like something was missing. a missing piece in ourselves. Its funny how we are able to talk like how we used to. i think things are changing around again. Wow... things changed. no doubt about that. It maybe good or bad. but good things will surely follow up after that. there's always rainbow after a heavy downpour. I was devastated when we are not friends.. but somehow ... my heart lightens back how i used to feel. its no joke seriously. i just can't describe how happy i am right now. only god knows. I thank god for this.

AND  ! ali have agreed in giving me his account in diablo 3 ..so i can play. but! he have not given me ! he said he would but... WHY ALI WHY ?! WHY YOU SO EVIL ! damn you. HAHAHA. just give me ! and tell me what you want in return. please lah. reply.... i want play ): .... mercy. :S .


Work today was FUN. i think ? juts for some things that pisses me off... a little. MEH ! heh. some people just that inconsiderate don't you think? imagine ... being left alone at the counter with a new kid which barely knows how to do the work properly and all you knew was they went to buy food.... the hell is wrong with you people ?! okay , at least its not a lot of crowd .. i can handle it. BUT ! what pisses me off was that SHE HAVE HER BREAK FOR MORE THAN AN HOUR ! like seriously ?! B#@$%  ! and the crowd was coming. it was HELL . like literally. pffft ~ and suddenly she popped out from no where. BAAAAHHHH ~ that was a sound effect that was on my mind that time. GAHHH ~ don't ask me why. i tend to have sound effect in my mind to make it more of like a dramatic sensation and interesting. hahahah !

I'm suffering

so .. i don't know, i feel like I'm not myself today. i think that i am not happy in the inside. i want to scream it all out. i need someone, someone i can talk to and someone who really understands me.  like how richard was to me. i missed him, i can't deny that. he is the only one who i think truly understands me. but he is far away. and i can't really talk to him directly. i have to use cyber to get to him. but nah , now ... we aren't that close anymore nor will it be the way we used to. i can't really find someone like him. having friends sometimes docent meant they will help you most of the times. they will just tell you what to do and left us alone and do it ourself. so much for friendship . PFFT . kinda pissed with myself and others. i can't help it. i really indeed need of someone. but no one seemed to be here for me. no one. i feel really lonely now. really really lonely. hais . i guess i won't be able to find the happiness i used to have.

HI AGAIN !

HELLO ! SO I AM BACK !!!


I'm currently at home and i currently i am able to get the wifi here. isn't that great ?! you tell me ! hahahaha ! xD THANKS UH . TO THAT KID . hehe. such a good good boy . and a friend :D XOXOX. all thanks to him i don't even need to go to the clubhouse now and then. so lazy to walk thru and fore from there. hahaha ! HAIR MAPS ! okay that was random. was typing suddenly auto correct said that. and I'm like ..... ooooo HAIR MAPS ! lol. how disturbing could that be? so anyways ! i am having trouble in installing the game diablo. dammit ! BUT . ali will try and help me tmrw .so he will be meeting me tomorrow at my aunts house and we will be heading to my workplace together. he wants to work together with me . YEYYY !~ hehehe . I'm so happy. it will be awesome . i just know it. hehehe. xD ! OHH ! and ...urmm . i wanted to make a vlog right ? but i don't have any ideas on what to. LOL. i need my bffl so we can have hell lot of ideas ! random ideas . heeee. i miss her :( i miss the old times we used to share ...the random moments. hais ... hehehe . nvm . i shall meet her one day. IM SUPER NERVOUS FOR MY CLINICAL ATTACHMENT SERIOUSLY !!! DAMMIT. i don't want to go ): well i want to ...but i am afraid i won't be able to do it. awww god ....please help me ? ):

Long Time No Write Eh ?

hey hey ! i didn't post for pretty a long time eh ? miss me? nah, its okay. heh. I've been very busy. holidays have started and its for 3 weeks then clinical attachment for another 3 more weeks and another a week more for holidays. pretty long eh? I'm quite nervous for my clinical attachment though. attached to the surgical ward. COME ON ! i don't what to do with it. seriously. what are we gonna do there ? meh ! LOL. whatever. just wait till the day come. hehe. so tmrw i will be celebrating alif's birthday and that i will be staying at my aunts place for a night. ! wee ~ can go home late uh like this ! hahhaa. I'm so rebellious when it comes to this. well ... that my parents won't be sating overnight..only my grandma... hehehhe . its okay its alright. this can be handle by me. hhehe. I'm so excited for tomorrow ! really ! heh. thinking of buying him a swensens cake. should i ? lets just see how it goes tmrw.

THERE IS MOSQUITOES BITES EVERYWHERE AT MY LEG ! DAMMIT ! its so itchy and I'm trying my best to refrain myself from scratching . HELP ! NEEDED ! hehe. i am being lame aren't i ? pffft ~ its okay. yesterday , yesterday , there is this three cats came to my house .... my malaysia house that is.. One mother cats and two little CUTE KITTENS. i named the mother cats , Xya , one kitten named Lyka and Arcane for the other. MEH. they're so cute ! one of them was sooo naughty , kept running away ! and the other was too scared that it docent want to leave. stay in one spot. Lyka is the good one and arcane is the total opposite ! i can literally die out of cuteness. AAAAH. NOW ! i didn't even see them. wondering where they went..? are they alright and safe ? ): such cute cats ! i love 'em !  SO  anyways, i bought a red cover for my macbook. and it turns out pink ! when the apple shined throughout the red cover. DRATS ! I WANT ORANGE BUT THEY DIDNT HAVE IT WITH THEM . ouh ! and I'm aiming for that Diablo 3 game. hehe. seriously. I'm aiming for that.... one day ..... one day ...sooon ! hehehe. i sound so completely retarded . no doubt. hehe. Oh AND YA ! I am starting to read twilight book again ! hehehe ! weeeeehoo !~ it have always been so fascinating ! so ... indulging. the store line always makes me addicted . in two days i almost completed the book. I'm still reading though. almost the end . maybe by tonight i could finish it ? yes, maybe . and next book will be .... ECLIPSE ! OKAY . can can.  so i think i summarized all the things i wanted to share ? hehe. its pretty short huh ? nvm. its a lll damn wordy, im trying to make it interesting.. but i don't think I'm doing it right. or am i ? hahahaha ! ~ so ! yeah . ill try updating it more often now. if I'm not tired from working ... drats. SO ! UPDATE SOON YEAH ? XOXO

busy busy busy, damn damn damn

Hey, so I've been very busy lately. studying and going out ... visiting relatives ..cause its ... HARI RAYA.  wee ~ so yeah? i guess ? so i can't make time for updating my blog. exams ARE HEREEEEEEE . so yeah ! Mic is done long long time ago..well not that long ... just last week ? Meh , so tomorrow will be like my FON and AAP the day after tmrw. heh. so wish me luck yeah ? cause  i need all the luck i can get .. cause i didn't study that much. I'm kinda stress as what I'm studying didn't really going in to my head. damn it ! SO anyways ! I'm starting to wear the hijab. cause i don't know man... i just feel like changing. and I'm wearing that first. i wanna be a good muslimah . heh. so I will look really weird tmrw cause i ll be starting to use the hijab to school. LOL. i must change my attitude too though. cause i can't be boyish as i used too. I will be the old me just not as Tomboyish . MEH . ill be a little feminine right now. well MORE not COMPLETELY. hahahaha. i must als stop cursing and use a lot of profanity words. its not gonna be easy. i know that, hey ! but at least i am trying right ? i am having flu right now. and i don't feel kinda good. i guess i m going to be sick soon. please don't be sick tmrw or the next day..or the next next next day. or ever. LOL. ever will be great. Meh. i m starting to talk crap huh ? am i? o.O ? lol. i feel as though i am far away from khalifah and kariza. ): i don't know why.... *sigh* okay .. so i guess ill be going now? i have to study though? its kinda short post huh ? no more long long wordy post. saded. really saddening . LOL. ill try to post a long wordy post next time. I love you all ! <3 .whatever.=".whatever." a="a" anyone="anyone" blog.="blog." few="few" i="i" is="is" know="know" lol.="lol." meh="meh" nbsp="nbsp" only="only" p="p" people="people" reading="reading" think="think" this="this" which="which" who.="who." who="who" xoxo.="xoxo." you="you">

I miss you so much. do you know that ?

Its been days since u left. and i am missing you. don't you know that ? i bet you don't. you're having a hell of a time without me. you looked happier now. i sometimes wished i could just messaged you randomly and just ask hows life for you. but i guess that times just went away then. i don't know. i am sad and i don't even know why. i think i should be happy for you.. but i don't think i really do. i kept thinking about you and i can't stop that. i kept asking myself what is wrong with me ? is the problem lies on me ? i don't know man. i just don't know.

i think i am going through depression when I'm all alone. i kept being all paranoid over myself. am i just that i don't know? useless ? i don't know. i just don't know ! ~ I don't know how to explain man. its okay :D ~

Am i happy ? or just hurt ?

I stalked his profile just now. well i don't really know why exactly..maybe i just want to know how is he doing. and apparently, he is doing very well without me. so i might as well ...really don't bother about him anymore huh? its all just words. he never really meant it. i was so stupid. i can't deny that. he is now going out with his friend savannah. LOL. its funny how he can really moved on that fast. meh, maybe he is just playing around with me. I'm just so naive. really. i hate this part of me. believing in every word someone said to me. well.. i don't know wether i am happy after looking at his profile or just hurt. like come on. who wants to see someone you really loved once loving someone new so fast? and that at least he found someone new? meh. today went studying session with the usuals. lol. Bestie told us how and what he did to his girlfriend. its so sweet i have to admit that. Lol. she is lucky :D and i bet bestie is gonna take care of her :D make sure she appreciates it man, if she dosen't...ill make her do it. MEH ! so ... i don't really know what i am feeling right now. but I'm trying to replace richard. i don't know. this is stupid. i said i treat him dead but a little portion of me just feels that ...i cared for him. someone....please help me. I'm ... lost. i don't want to really rely on my feelings. its taking control over me and i don't want this things to affect me on my studies. GAH ! I've learnt from this...i don't want the history to repeat itself. its hopeless. really. i MISS dany though. really. lol. okay, shall shuddup. xoxox.

Peer tutoring :D

So today went for peer tutoring hehe. anatomy peer tutoring . i find it rather fun? HAHAHA. my tutor was name katherine . hehe. she is so bubbly and sometime really clumsy. LOL. at First she was making me confused ..but after awhile ..she is starting to make sense. meh ! I'm slow. i know that . hehehe.
thanks to bestie too ! he accompanied me ! hehe. Eventhough he had to leave early ... :D But still come on. THANKS SO MUCHHH ! :D hehe. he helped me too though cause i looked rather lost with what hat was talking to me. LOL. OUH OUH OUH ! AND I SHOWED STELLA AND BESTIE THE LAVA LAMP SONG . BESTIE SEEMED TO LOVE IT... STELLA ? well ... lets just say she is like ... okay ? with it? I DONT KNOW. heh. she only laughed at me cause i followed their dance steps. like cmon people its addictive. me and MY BFFL is going to do that dare. hehe. but.....lava lamp is at my malaysia house. how now brown cow? damn. HAHA. nvm we shall find a way then . we can do it. we always have such crazy ideas. i love being all random when I'm with her. my random crazy partner. hehehe<3 .="." :o=":o" a="a" anatomy="anatomy" and="and" be="be" best.="best." bestie="bestie" die="die" easy="easy" else....="else...." going="going" great.="great." having="having" hehe.="hehe." hehehe.="hehehe." help="help" i="i" in="in" is="is" it.="it." its="its" juts="juts" know="know" lixuan="lixuan" mic.="mic." my="my" nbsp="nbsp" need="need" no="no" now.="now." okay="okay" or="or" session="session" shall="shall" she="she" simply="simply" so="so" somebody="somebody" start="start" stella="stella" study="study" studying="studying" the="the" though.="though." to="to" tomorrow="tomorrow" u="u" will="will" with="with" xoxoxox="xoxoxox" y="y">

I am Lost.

So... Richard, Blocked me from Facebook... And i dont even know why exactly. I just know.. I didnt sent any Messages that Friday. And saturday for me. Lol. I wanted to but i was hoping for him to sent me a message first. he did sent me first which says... "Look. If you didnt want to talk. I get it."
I was like what? lol. I was studying and plus...i have like ... An exam coming. And i thought he had youth group?! O.o? But he said he didnt go to that anymore. HOW WOULD I KNOW?!! He didnt even say Anything about that. And he said he was hoping for my messages.. And that he saw my status about " youre somebody that i used to know" i Was listening to that music... And i update my status for fun he thought i was referring to him. Like... DAFUG?! REALLY DUDE?! U said u didnt really feel the love you had for me. And when im like Treating you as a friend you said goodbye and blocked me ? Like what? WHATS UR FUCKING MOTIVE ?! Well what the hell. Its ur choice. I FEEL FREE now. I dont know i am much happier like this. Ure trying to be like Dustin? The way he said goodbye? Please ... Dude. I wont cry over you like how i cried over dustin. Ive learnt from it. My tears dosent deserve someone like you. I am over u already. I dont have to Frigginly brood over this for 6months. Yes, ive lost a friend. But friends come and go. I have Friends here, and i love them how i USED to love you. My feelings towards you and them Was never different. Well i hope you get what uve been searching for. Lol~ im just as happy as. I am before. In my mind i was saying RIP to you. Youre dead to me. Its fair right? U did the same to me. LOL. Whatever man. Go live your life. I dont give a fuck. HAHAHAHA ~

So.... Ive been studying MIC. And im so damn afraid for the exam. LOL. Hopefully i can make it. ): So tmrw ill have A peer tutoring. And i dont even know who is my Tutor? O.o? Da hell? LOL. Nvm . Bestie is going. So .... Im not gg to be alone. And look like a lost dog. LOL. FRIDAY was awesome. I had an ice skating session with bestie, my twin, stella, li xuan and Robert! Weeee ~ i. Had a blast ! But sadly have to go out early. Hais mais. Its so sad. LOL HOCKEY SKATES ARE JUST HARD. prefer figure skates! Im much more comfortable in that. LOL. Yes! SO DAMN COMFORTABLE. I had blisters though. But what the hell. I love it. LOL. Xoxo. Muah! Love you blisters. Meheheh. Thats all i have to update shall see if i have any free time and intresting thing happen tmrw or the next next day. MEH.


Some pictures maybe?

Smiles are just as awesome as it seems.

ITS SINGAPORE BIRTHDAY TODAY AND I SPENT MY FREAKING DAY WORKING ! ~
YEYYYYY ! !~  See, how committed i am towards my working life? I'm a good example ! WEEE~ lol. so Hairil worked with me today. Alif didn't. ): I'm sad ! he dislocated his shoulder again and its in the wrong place. LOL. so he had to made an appointment with the doctor. okay , never mind. Work was ....FUN ? even though theres a lot of people ! haha. cause hairil was with me. heh ! i treated him like a punching bag. he taught me some few new fighting skills. LOL. it was damn fun. and we PUNCHED the boxes at our store room. LOL. and acted like it was not us. LOL. he didn't FAST today. Alif have to kick him at his ribs ! and i wish i would be there when he got it. YEY. sadist i know. LOL. well. i had fun though. looking at people suffer in pain. so, The title of my blog ! HEEE ~  it was soooo. AAHHH ! can melt. LOL. i was asking for one customer's order when i saw this guy, queueing at the line... i was like "oh hell. he so cute ! please don't come to my counter ! " LOL. so apparently this customer of mine took such long time to decide on what FOOD to eat. Thank god for that though. PHHEEEW ~! so my colleague took his order. and she was like " IKAAA ! IKAAA ! HE SO CUTE !" ( in malay of course) LOL. and i looked at him and i caught him looking at me.! he was Smiling !! at me ! at first i didn't smile back.. i g oand walked away to get the drinks my customer just ordered. in my heart it was like "dup dup dup" LOL. it was beating damn fast. and I'm starting to blush. i turned back and he was like . SMILING AND NODDING AT ME ! HAHAHAHA. I NOD AND SMILED BACK AT HIM! he stood below the light and it was like a picture perfect moment. i MELTED. heheh. and my colleague was like ! wow ! he was looking at you all the way you know ! HE SMILED AT YOU ! lol. wee !~ well, good-looking guy... i won't be able to see you again. LOL. wish i could. hehhe. now , currently I'm listening t o CALL ME MAYBE ? i should have done that to that guy man ! CURSES ! CROWD ! lol. mehehe. OH GOODLOOKING GUY ! ~ you are still on my mind. dammit you ! LOL. alright. i bet thats all i guess? tmrw ! ice skating session ?! and I'm gonna try on the HOCKEY skates. WEE !~ i ll think I'm gonna fall most of the time. LOL ! never mind. embrace the fall ! ~ heh. it was supposed to be an outing with dany. but meh ! he is not free. so yeah ! i m fine with it. HEH . I'm going ice skating btw! frrreeeeeeet ! i am elf ! i wanna be an elf ! really. elves are awesome ! :D . WEEE. so yah . thats all i guess. xD for real. LOL. so wanna see some pic ?

PEACE YA ! 

ME WITH A FACIAL HAIR. HOWD I LOOOK?

HEARTBREAKING.... NOT ?

HEARTBRAKING MOMENTS

So, i knew something new today. After letting Richard knows how i truly felt after the break up. I missed him and that i still do love and care for him. He said... that ... when we were together, he dosent really felt like he really loved me. Because he dosent get to show his real feelings to me. Cause we were half planet away. Its not like how he would say I LOVE YOU face to face and that he sometimes dosent feel the love between me and him. I should have not tell him in the first place. I should not have trusted him that much, i should have not loved him as much as i am right now. I should have not met him. I should have not accept his DAMN proposal. Loving him was my mistake. I should have listened to my friends. Of what Khalifah told me. I should not have stand up for us. I should have trusts my damn own feelings. Im shattered. Trusting myself was an issue for me since secondary school. I have lost the trust and beliefs I used to have during primary school. MAYBE i was too young and i didn't know how cruel this world would be... that i trusts myself in everything i do. Ive lost that part of me. Losing that part of me and wanting to get it back ... its hard. I don't even know where to start. Im fallen into pieces. Carrying myself up would be a long long long process. I don't know who should i ask help from. Im ashamed. I rejected all help i need and I'm left alone. I don't want any of this things to happened. I guess history repeats itself huh? Just that this is more hurtful than the previous one. After getting to know what he told me... i just left. I made an excuse that i have to do my assignments and my iPod is dying. Just to go away from him and prevent myself from hurting. He wants me to open up myself to love someone else. Its hard, its not easy, It might be easy for him caused he grew the feelings towards his best friend. Sarah. I couldn't blame her though. They were close to each other. Im nothing compared to her.

So anyways, miss nancy Lost my Nursing Care Plan 3 and she asked me to redo. HEHEHE . And that means she will remark my NCP3 . Wee Hopefully i beat Lesean's marks for FON. He dosent want to compare marks for our NCP 2 cause i scored full marks for that. Ive received full 4%. heheh. SO YAH. So today, after school ended around 11am. I went to my workplace and watched REDLIGHTS. Its an AWESOME movie. U GUYS SHOULD WATCH IT MAN ! Haha. I cried and get all excited all by myself. Watching movie alone IS FUN ! I prefer watching it all alone. CALL ME FOREVER ALONE. Cause I'm proud to be one xD. I HAVE A MIND OF AN ASSASSIN. Sorry my randomness of my brain is acting up. I don't blame myself for that. HEE !~ it keeps me happy. HEHE. So i am looking for this PIKACHU pajamas. LOL. Its soooooo CUTE ! I COULD JUST DIE ! I wanna sleep in it. HEHEH. OUH OUH ! IVE BOUGHT A CLOCK FOR MY ROOM. And its .... RED ! YIPEEE ! And my sis bought a .... LAVA LAMP. Weep~ sweet, and its also red. I don't know. I just wanna make my room reddish. It looks like anger something like that... referring to rage. Im saving up money for my FRIGGIN punching bag. GAHH ! NEED ONE OF THOSE. REAL BAD. Heh. I guess today is quite enjoyable as i get to hang out with MY BFFL. Even though its only for a while. Ill be meeting her next week and this Saturday. Hooray~ i love her. Maybe i should just share what I'm really feeling right now. Since she knows me best. We have been together for like 13 years now. And we have YET to get a scrapbook for us three. I wonder when will we ever get that. Mmmm.

Loving you was a mistake. Its a waste. my heart shattered into pieces you would never have imagined. I am sorry. Im distancing myself from you. I no longer see you as my best friend but a liar.

XOXO. 

The Guy makes me melt

HEY . so ended school at 3pm ? yeah. HEH. were ! ~ went to my workplace to meet up with my mum and waited for my sister from school. she ended at 6pm so yeah. HEHE. so while waiting... there is this CUTE HOT SEDUCTIVE EYES ANGMOH GUY .....WALKED PASSED ME AND I AM LIKE.... OMG OMG OMG . lol. HE LOOKED INTO MY EYES AS HE WALKED PASSED ME.  weehoooo !~ heheh.  his sweats make him hot. really. no joke. LOL. I'm sorry i tend to find angmohs hot when there sweating. (DIGUSTING ME ) SO YEAH . lol. thats about the hot guy...xD


so we break our fast in the car. I bought a lot of FOODS even though I'm not fasting. LOLS. sorry i can't help myself. THE FOOD IS CALLING ME. GOD !~ SNAPPLE STRAWBERRY AND KIWI IS SOOOO AWESOME , YOU GUYS SHOULD TRY IT. REALLY. MUAHAHAHA. <3 excited="excited" nbsp="nbsp">

i GOT B FOR MY PRACTICAL TEST FOR ANATOMY. I THOUGHT ILL FAILED IT. lol ! MUAHAHAHA. I'm so happy ! ~ NEXT NSL ! LEGGO !~ IM CHALLENGING WITH SEAN. ILL BEAT YOU ONE DAY. SERIOUSLY ! MUAHAHAHA !


okay so yeah. idk what to talk about already. just that HOT guy I'm emphasizing on in this blog. I WILL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN. ): SADED !!

no pictures for today. I'm so tired ! ):
XOXO.

FUN DAY? I guess? I dont know? Meh!

FUN DAY? I guess? I dont know? Meh!

So today i woke up for morning eating...(sahur) LOL. As usual when people are fasting. We have to wake up early in the morning to eat before the sun rises. LOL. So ...woke up and eat. I woke up and eat oo you know ! Eventhough i wont be fasting for the next one week. LOL. I dont know why. I regret though. LOL. So anyways! I ate and start doing my Health Psychology Assignment 3. i start at 4.45am and end at 7am. I TOOK LIKE 2H 15MINS ! Damn ! Thats slow. LOL. So i already did printed it. Since i already have downloaded this office. YEY ! THANKS TO KHALIFAH THOUGH! SHE HELPED ME :D <3 font="font" nbsp="nbsp">

so after helping my mum went to The clubhouse and chatted with lesean and Richard. He is now living with his friend and that he is enjoying himself. So i wont have to worry that much right? But... but... i miss him ): and i still love and care for him ): he does tooo... but we cant be together. I DONT KNOW ! This is complicated. Seriously. Whatever. I have to concentrate on my studies for now. Really. Ive been slacking and procrastinating. Have to wake up and BULK UP. So tomorrow will be my anatomy Practical test that starts at 11am. Hopefully i can do it ! And its easy ! :( . *cross finger*

oh and i have to write a letter to STELLA ! I almost forgot about that. LOL. She gave me a letter on last friday. And i am gonna reply to her. LOL. Now i have to search high and low for the colour paper. Drats. LOL. Heh. So yeah. Today was quite tiring day for me. And i am so anxious for tomorrow's paper. PLEASE LISTEN TO MY PRAYER GOD ! HELP ME ! :D

so here is some pic. I am that bored. I have to take some pic to make it more lively. Right?

surprise! surprise !

So , worked today . from 9am till 5pm..I SWEAR the time goes DAMN slow ! i was so lethargic. and I'm just being the runner. and taking some orders. i don't know why but even though I'm lethargic and stuffs... i manage to be so nice towards the customers. maybe they are not giving their F'ed up Attitude. so I'm fine with it ? i guess? LOLS. so... there is nothing to talk about actually. OUH !  i was half day FASTING when ........ I'm having my MENSTRUATION. like DAFUQ ?! why YOU !!!! ~ so i bought.... FAMOUS AMOS. wee ~ butterscotch and Pecan. YUM YUM, nomnomnom.

i will have to finish up my HP assignment by tomorrow though. Monday will be my god damn due date. ASS. lol. this is me. procrastinating queen is IN DA HOUSE. woooooohh !

urmmm. so.... theres nothing really happened today. that is THAT interesting to share about. but nevertheless. IM NOT GOING ANYWHERE TOMORROW AND I CAN SLEEP THE WHOLE DAY. well i have to wake up early though to complete my assignments. :( . sad. i kept on repeating the same damn thing ! okay. shall update tmrw. i guess?




XOXO.



enjoy some pic :D

YEY . RANDOMNESS.

yesterday post. Love is not a choice. its a beckoning.

Love is not a choice,its a beckoning


so, me and richard broke up today at 408am in Canada and its like 608pm in Singapore. I was about to have my Fundamentals of Nursing test when it happened. I was devastated of course..But, i never lose him as a friend though. We are still best friend. Hopefully we are like how we used to. I don't want to lose him and how we used to be. Im glad we didn't lose that. Cause if we would... i'm literally dead. No one can understand how i feel really. But , its hard for me to make them understand. Thanks to my BFFL, Sherry for making me realized the whole looked from another point of view. I cried though in class. Luckily no one realized it. Whatever. He said this .

“ I would end this relationship with you and Sarah. I don't want to end it with only you. If i would continue this relationship i would continue with you. Maybe its not now...but in the future.”

“ i would never let go of you, i would be stupid if we were to be strangers when we broke up ...we would still be best friends. I will always be your best friend through thick and thin. Remember that.”


“Hopefully I wont get any nightmares later on. Actually .... it hurts me a lot in ending this relationship.”

i couldn't really reply to him a very good reply but i was smiling. I don't even know why. I am trying my best to look at the positive side of life. I still have my friends who loves me. Thanks to sherry, lesean, stella and kariza for asking me wether I am okay or not. I am glad they noticed. Heh. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">

well, today i had FON test...and i did a very bad mistake. My first answer was right...but i ended up changing the last minute and caused me to lose mark. ASS. Must stop thinking too much on a question yknow. My freaking habit. Must stop that ASAP. So the deal is on between me and sean. For AAP and FON. Hah. I have a good feeling i am the one who is going to treat him. >_> LOLS. Never mind. A deal is a deal. We shall keep our word ! Leggo!~

i don't know ...i think its just me.. or anything else... but.... i like hanging out with guys than girls. Well. I don't know. I LOVE hanging out with ifa and kariza. They are awesome bunch of people. BUT SOMETIMES I FEEL that im not as HPYER as they are. Lol. I felt left out actually. LOL. Especially when im all emo and shit like that. Must stop that.


Well i did blood grouping again this morning. Its damn fun. I just love pricking myself with the needle. I put on the longest line on the needle..so it would prick me deep down. It wasn't that painful though. Its just like a red ants biting you. And thats all. U wont feel anything more. Was hoping of much more pain...but it dissapoint me. Ouh and I brought home one of the needle. I put it inside my pencil box...when lesean accidentally took one. LOL. I think ? But MEH ! Its here now with me. Weee!~ i don't even know what to do with it. LOLS.

I wrote a lot for today. I think? Im working tomorrow and im not LOOKING forward to it. I want to sleep the whole day. Wait, i have yet to finish my assignments. Drats! Oh ! And study for my anatomy practical. I shall then do my assignments on sunday and study for prac. Whole day chiong. I need to bulk up you know. Like seriously. =.= .
shall update again tomorrow. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">


GOODNIGHT. XOXO

doing well ?

heya. so today was quite okay i guess? LOL . thought of going bugis after school, but MEH! We went to P08 anatomy class from Dr dave. HE IS AWESOME ! i understand him very well. Today for the class .. we found out what is our blood type. mine is ....O positive ! yeyyyy ! ~ I'm rare xD . well not the rare but come on. O positive xD . So after anatomy it ended at 4pm. Stayed back with Kariza, my EVIL TWIN. MY RANDOM WEIRD FUN STUPID DUMB FILIPINO CHINESE ACCENT FRIEND. we kept laughing and i literally roll on the floor when we made funny comments. LOL . WE PLAYED WITH THE CHAIR.. and act as though we are evil and expecting each other presence. " i ve been expecting you" LOL. her face made me laugh. she can't do evil face ! it cracks me up. i had fun overall. LOL. she called me awesomely weird girl she have ever met. WEEE !~ its a good thing right ? lol. i like how that sound. MUAHAHA. makes me unique xD . must stop praising myself know.


i have a STRONG feeling i will fail my anatomy second class test. LOL. however , i have made a deal with my bestie.. lesean. if somome pass, the failure will have to treat STARBUCKS. WEEE !~ obviously I'm the one who should treat him. He so good at anatomy. i suck at it. LOL. so if we both pass, (it would be a miracle if i did pass) we shall treat each other starbucks. LOLOLOL ! so looking forward to it. STARBUCKS ! MY FAVOURITE !! <3 nbsp="nbsp" nom.="nom." nom="nom" p="p">


Am i making the right decision? i tend to make the wrong decision in life. but I currently don't feel anything right now. like seriously. Im thinking about me and richard again. I feel as though i don't have anymore feelings towards him. like..... lesser now? since he said he have feelings for sarah... Like come on. HE HAVE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE ELSE ! like wtf ! and he said he still loves me. and he want both?! like SAY WHAT ?!!!! and i freakingly agreed to share him with sarah. =.= tell me I'm stupid. i know. LOL. AND NOW , HE KEPT TALKING ABOUT HER. ill be like ... "oh" "okay" "cool" LOLOL ! i feel like just scream virtually at his face ! " I DONT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HER OKAY ! " " I DONT HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT HER !! STOP IT ! " But no.....i didn't do it. IM just plain dumb. weeee. !~ dumb blonde here. K. I just don't know. i want to give up on him...but I'm scared ill lose him as my best friend. and we won't be like old times. This sucks right? LOL. I'm feeling suckish.


so how was your day? mine was quite fun ! looking forward for tomorrow. meheh. <3 barbies="barbies" feelings="feelings" have="have" okay="okay" p="p" xd="xd">

Hows your day?

so ... life have been really awesome i guess?
well not that AWESOME ! but.... its just awesome. you know what i mean? okay. forget it.
i almost lost him. we almost broke up. maybe of my insecurities? well.. its normal right ? all girls experience that.. insecurities is such a mainstream to all girls. they will tend to feel that something bad will always happen. BUT does that mean ... it will have something got to do with the trusts they have towards their partner ? i don't think so. well , we fought because of that and him having a feeling towards his best friend...Sarah. well i have made the decision...and i think its best for everyone. sometimes we just have to sacrifice for our love huh? Love without sacrifices is just shitty. TURDS ! okay whatever. since we both are fine now... and I'm happy. haha! i think? idk, never really thought about that. happiness thingy. its normal. LOL.

so Dany asked me out and i don't really know wether to go or not. my friends says i must not go. BUT ! i wanna go !! i kinda miss Dany! Haha, its been such a long time since i last met him. when was that? i don't even remember. :O LOLs. He suggested to go and ride the Singapore Flyer with him and I'm fine with it. He is treating me though. even though i was joking about it. he even have the tickets with him! omg ! xD THATS FAST!~ ouh ouh ! and he told me HIMYM Season 8 will be coming out on sept 29! like DAFUQ ?! I thought season 7 is the final season ! wtf wtf wtf. heheh. WHATEVER. I WANNA WATCH HIMYM ! <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">
so i just had my NSL practical test today and i freakingly PASSED ! like FINALLY. i was doing shitty  stuff back there. i forgot a lot of things. cause panic attacked. my mind was officially blank when i read the freaking case scenario. DAMN. hate when that happens. BUT ! thanks to LESEAN he talked loudly and he got the same scenario with me , ventri mask... i WAS LIKE YES ! so i heard what he said. yeah, ihe "helped" me. well ... not as like cheating ...but his voice is loud. so it reminds me some few important stuffs. DAMN hand washing.!  i totally forgotten about it you know ! hehe. so THANK YOU ! <3 br="br" nbsp="nbsp"> SO currently I'm listening to BOYCE AVENUE. and they are simply ....AWESOME ! <3 br="br" nbsp="nbsp">

i would rather not to have a dad like you. Why isnt god grant my prayer ? My dad ? well sorry , i have lost my respect for you since that day ... i wont call you my dad. my hatred towards you have grown. now , ure no different from an animal. u ARE AN ANIMAL . i would rather not to have someone like you in my life. im so fucking stress with my school ... and youre one of them. i hate my family. i hate my life. trying not to be emo here. but really this thing is really disturbing me. trying not to care ? but its just that Hard.

So, DIDNT GET TO update my blog for the past few weeks? Heh. So, WENT TO THE CONCERT ! And .... It was .... EPIC !!!!!! I LOVE EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF IT. I ENJOYED EVERY MOMENT IM IN THERE. AHHHH. Okay. Sob, School have started , and i have made a number of friends. Well, a number. Handful? Lol, i just dont fancy people who is well, ALWAYS, trying to get attentions and only seek me , when they have no one. just die will you? I dont really entertained them though. I.will only answer them with just one word answers. Really. Call me a bitch, But i dont used people for my own needs and im unlikely a two face kind of person. HAH. Alot of assignments have yet to complete and I STILL need to find someone for me to interview. GOSH! Anyone? Help?



So, today saw Dany's mother at Isetan. My heart was beating Damn fast when i saw her, I wanted to call her up, But im afraid i had the wrong person. So i kept quiet, when , My mum was buying some pineapples , she came to me and said That i look familiar. And inwas like , Hey, youre Dany's mum right? And she was like yes yes. We talked and she asked me why am i doing here, and i told her im with my mum, fetched her from work , and currently waiting for my sis. She was rather surprised knowing my mum and sis was working at shaw. HAH. Oops:X so anyways , really had a great time talking to her. :D.


She reminds me of you. You looked like your mother. The way she smiles reminded me of you. I missed you damn much, but i guess you dont. I love to see your name appearing at my phone as a text messages. Atleast , i know , i was on your mind for a moment. Just so you know, you are always on my mind. I wanted to let go of this memories , but it kept haunting me back. Someone , please. Save me.

Maybe i could have US ?

I dont know. Sometimes i do miss Us. Sometimes im angry. I still do care , but ..i am trying not to. Cause , you dont really care about it. Sometimes i think that i would give you another chance, however ,people around me would disagree to my decision though. I just know it. After all, it happened so fast in that moment of time..

So basically, i just finish slacking with alif and Hairil in the study room. WO2, they smoke INSIDE THE ROOM. Such lazy ass . Lol. Played PS3and kept talking about god of war. Hahah. How funny when he fell , "Uh" sound ,but when killed no sound was given out from him. HAHAHAH. Had a great time with them though. Lol. WE THREE ARE EXCITED FOR THE CONCERT!!! Haha. Its gonna be a .... BLAST ! Bam ! Hhe. Im so sexcited. Ill be the only girl with them. Lol. But NVM,! I will see my BOYFRIEND. Synyster GATES !! Mmmmm. Lol.

Richard , did gave me advise. It helps though. And he is ONE OF THE IMPORTANT person in my life. We would talk about everything and stuffs.. Personal. Haha. Ouh, and im saving to go canada ! Haha. LEGGO. ~ hah he just know me SO WELL. That every guess was right. How i feel and how i treat people around me.

"you are amazing kitra...ure complete.. People is going to judge you but it didnt mean that they would dictate your life. You are who you are . Dont change. I like you for who you are and i dont want yuh to be in any other ways,we are not humans , you and i "
Hahaha . SWEEET RIGHT. Goshhhh. He is the best EVER FRIEND . I would ever ask for when i am down, thank god. Haha.

PS: now, i smell like WINSTON. Gosh. Thanks ah.

I didnt update much for my blog. I am quite lazy to blog anyways. So ! Hah. Urmmm. Had a hygiene course today, and i SWEAR it was super bored. And we had a test and a practical test. I find it rather , hmm wasting time. But NVM. im just there for the CERTIFICATE. And i survived. Not so intresting , just so you know. Had dinner at Plaza Singapura . BURGER KING. So yeahhh.

Twitter is TRENDING about the tsunami that will hit singapore. And i dont even know to believe it or not. I am scared though. Like cmon, im afraid of death, CAUSE im bot ready to face Allah with all my sins i had made . I feel that i am not worthy for heaven . Cause i have not been following his rules ): oh god. I wish nothing is going to happen. I am praying so hard right now. Only HE knows what i am feeling right now. ): haish.

Flaws ?

Flaws. WE ALL believe that everyone have flaws. Some people might bring out your flaws , to humiliate you. Or that THEY embrace your flaws. Respect. People around us loves to talk. Might be GOOD or BAD. Its never a good thing when they are talking bad about someone. Well, i have learned today that .. I know myself better and that i dont need someone or people around me to point out my Flaws. Theyre not perfect too. No one is perfect for that matter. Besides, dont point it out if you , yourself , Dosent one anyone to point out your flaws.

Well, THIS happened today. Dont really want to brag about it . But, i did cry when i saw the messages you send me. I lost my appetite because of you. I cried because , you have crossed the. Line . I dont know that you would embarrassed me infront of your friends Never would it cross my mind , that you thought i was Stupid. Your sacarsm .. Well it hurts. You have ruined my day. You wouldnt know that i have cried. And you said , i should know you better. How could i ? Everytime i Think i know you, you SAID I dont know you and i should not act as if i know you, what is this ? Really. I just dont understand. And just so you know , BECAUSE OF YOU, you made me much more AWARE of myself. My self esteem now , ITS .. Its going down. Im more cautious. Sometimes , i wish i am not ... ME.

It hurts, it hurts real bad papa.

Im broken. I saw and heard you lied. Dont think im that Stupid to know you're lying. What is this ? This world is so .. Urgh. The more older i get, the more people ive met. And that this world is corrupted by alot of things. To people to the Visual world. Cyber. What am i supposed to do now ? Inside me , its just empty. Im faking a smile. But broken in the inside. Everyday i see your face , everytime i thought about what you did. U lied to everyone. I know the truth. But you kept on lying. It hurts to see that. I wish im FAR away from you. I Wish i NEVER KNEW YOU. Why? Why must i know about this ? Why am i MAKING it so hard for myself to accept what is? Maybe because , for my whole 18 years of my life, i never THOUGHT or even crossed my mind that you would do such things. I have been observing you for the last two days. I know you felt some guiltiness. I can feel it. I am much more peaceful when im outside. Far away from you. Im SAD TO SEE MYSELF THIS WAY!!! Why are BECOMING LIKE THEM ?!!!

Hey, so I found out about my dad. And It disturbs the hell out of me. God. I'm so disappointed with him. It's like , now , I don't know him. It's not how he used to be. I miss the old him. Sorry, but Dad, you're no more my role model. You can't be someone who I looked up to anymore. I'm sorry if I don't really talk to you that much, because you have made me disappointed in you..
Grr. I should really forget about this. It's kinda normal right ? Urghhh ~ why are you like this all of a sudden? I can't bear to hide everything from mum. She doesn't know anything. I dont know wether I can handle this. Really. I prefer to be outside then at home. At least it will help me to forget about this. Urgh ~


So anyways ! Mum bought for my sis and me a couple necklace. I know it sounds weird. Lol. I don't know why she suddenly have that idea. Whatever. Just wear it. Haha. Okay. It turns out.. Nice ! Hah.


After knowing this, I wish I never knew you dad. I'm really disappointed. Really. Superly. Extremely. I thought you never do such things , but you did. Thanks a lot dad for crushing my hopes.

SO as you can see , im super excied for Avenged Sevenfold concert this coming april. Gah! never know that i will go to their concerts. cause i didnt get to go for Paramore`s concert the last year.. and the previous year. hhaha.! ouh and i didnt even went to avenged`s 2008 concert. hahha. BUT THIS YEAR !~ im going !! how excited ! i will be going with alif. ashis friend hairil , well i dont know. he said he will be selling away his avenged ticks. damn. so its going to be and alife only then. hahaa ! we will going to have the time of our lives !~ weeeehooo !
and ! school is starting soon , and im SO Looking forward to that. I JUst cant stand wroking life , apart form getting my own hardwork money. haha. im sooo , going to shop with my money this coming payday.

OUH ! AND MY MUM said we have to save money from now , as ater when ifa going to London to continue her Degree studies in fine arts , maybe we will migrate there ..:D god ! please.i want to migrate there. please. haha. hopefully my mum really meant what she said, haha. see , how happy i am when i heard that. god! .

as for me, well i dont know what my future going to be. im just going with the flow . really. haish. have to stop . i must have agoal for me to reach. hah. so where should i start ?

It's been a while since I updated my blog. Been very very very busy. So , great news , I've moved on from my previous relationship. I don't really want to talk about it. It's really pointless. So ! Been working and going out ... Ha. School is starting soon in April . So excited. God ! Wish me luck. Migrating out of Singapore. When I grow up. Please. Haha.

Nothing fun really happened , except going out with BFFL . Loved her so much . I am still looking out for Scrap books. Put in all of our Polaroid pics inside. Memories. Sweet sweet memories. Currently listening to the fray making a cover of Heartless. Ummmm. Nice nice nice. So IM SOO LOOKING FORWARD TO AVENGED sevenfold concert. Going with my DARLING ALIF <3 hah. Got a last message that Hairil not going. Waaaaat ?! So only him and me. Okay. Concert date ? Cheery fake. So weird. Going to peninsula this Saturday to buy my Avenged sevenfold Tee. God ~ SEXCITED ~

why do i always feel that i am invisible to everyone around me. its like as if .. i dont really exist. its really sad for me. I dont really wish to have alot of attention. i just need few of it. not like NOTHING at all. why is everything not going my way. sometimes i really do feel its Its UNFAIR ! really. everything bad happens to me.


so I REALLY WANT TO CATCH THE DEVIL INSIDE movie. watched the trailer in seems to be AWESOME . and it is only ..hmmm. NC16. hahha! awesome ! i also would like to watch STAR WARS! anyone want to watch with me ?

i miss you . i really do. but .. urgh ~ why do i even bother ? ure dont even care about me. u never do. i dont get why you must be so mean to me ? like .. okay... i dont find any motive for you to be mean. am i like really disturbing you or what ? why cant you just tell me. GAH ~ i hate this . really. no one can really understand me. you know what ? when i am in poly , i guess ill be very diff from who i am now. im not going to talk alot and im not going to show who i really am. ill be very quiet. focusing on my future. cause the way i see it , i dont really want care about everyone and everything that is around me. if i am invisble to everyone .. so be it. i dont give a fuck anymore.

TRUSTS ? i dont know wether i could trusts people. one habit of mine, trusts people so easliy , really could hurt me so much. i could not help it. seriously.
this past few days , i have been working .. and i realized something. alot of people in my workplace really are two faced people. it took me such A long time to observe them. even the managers. i would not mention their names here. but i find it rather ridiculous.really. Urgh ~ i just cant stand it. BUT , on the bright side , there are some AWESOME FRIENDS i made. left with two more months and i am done.endureeeeeee~
ive not been feeling so well these past few days. gah ~
shall have more rest and sleeep earlier.

What is all this ?

it is always you on my mind ... which i really thought im over you .. but im not.
I kept re-reading all our old conversations. i miss all of those. i miss the feeling i get when i recieve a text from you. everything, why isit so hard for me ? and it seems alot easier for you ? I feel down everytime when i thought about us .
i kept telling myself that i am over you . The truth ? hell no.
if i know it would be this hard ? i wouldnt want to feel the feeling of loving someone . and ending up hurting me like hell.

my emotions are really fucked up. I MISS YOU . alot. but i have to lie to the people around me. i must stop talking about you. i must try my best not to even mention your name in my conversation.. but you is all i think about. i kept on substitute this feelings . I tried giving someone a chance.. but i couldnt work it out. its harsh. i know. but .. i wouldnt want to force myself in loving someone.

sometimes i wish you would randomly text me or whatsapp me. knowing that u still remember me .. then to have forgotten about me and act as if im a stranger to you. i miss you. really, ARGH !

What is wrong with me ? IM Not who I used to be. This is sooooo not me. Really. It feels super suckish. Why am I always crying at night ? why do I always feel im the ugly one ? Why do I,feel outcast ? And everyone hates me ? Why do I even feel im useless ? I prefer to be all alone. I dont wish to know everything. I prefer to let myself suffer. And hide everything from people around me ? My self esteem is FALLING drastically. What do I,want really ? Who am I really ?! Im,sooooo boring really. Im not like my,sis. Im violent. Im ugly. Inside out. Idk. I feel just... SUCKISH. Im invisible to everybody.

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Im tearing ~

I always feel I need to,let it all out .

Music is only my medicine for all this sadness in me.

I dont know why , but everything is not going like what I,want it.

Sis , got into the school,she wants. She gets everything she wants.

For me ? I have to work for it to,earn it. Life is super unfair 

My sis will always embarrased me infront of everyone. She will use alot of hurtful words to me. I do have feelings yknow .

She kept using my things ~ shirt , pants , shoes , hairclips , earrings , everything. I kept reminding her , and she says that im nagging. HELLOO ! Ure using my things and I cant say it out ? When I used your things have you ever let me do so ? Oh hell no ! U asked it back that instant. Idk .. I always need to give in. im sick of it. people around her seems to like her more than me. Maybe ill always forever be the shadow. Where no one even notice me. Im always outcast by,everybody. Maybe thats what I reaaly want. But it feels suckish to get all the blames and none praises.

Im a nobody

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So we went our separate ways.

i don`t know if this is really a good choice :/ that i made.
i kept thinking of you and all the memories when i look around.
i guess you dint really bothered huh ? i guess i am the only one feeling all of this?
i still love you. i cant deny that.
i thought you will fight for us. but you didn't.
i am super sad . all the people around kept convincing me that i did a right choice. but i don`t really feel i did make a right choice.
i am trying to get this over before Poly starts.
all my plans for valentine`s AND birthday failed. ): i guess , we wont be like the way we were before. i missed the time when i first time met you and get to talk to you. the first outing i went with you. breaking dawn movie.
with your old hair. urgh ~

let it remain as memories. i missed you so much. wish i could hug you for the last time. maybe i am just childish. childish towards this relationship. with you and ur NS .. i am sorry .. i really am. looking at you .. that you sound ahppy and having fun like you are as always. it really makes me sad. I guess, i am the only the one feeling all of this misery and pain. my heart aches , and stomach swirling when i see your tweets :( .



i guess i will have to really face it. Its over and get over it. i know its hard , but i will try my best to. I hate to know that im no more yours and youre no more mine. it breaks me . really. if i would , ill never want to change my relationship status at my facebook. never. .

If you`re reading this ,
i would like you to know , its never easy for me to say goodbye. since , u agreed , and u never fight for us , i really know , where i stand.

The feeling of being betrayed and  cheated on. really sucks. I never thought that YOU would say such things. Seriously. I didnt of thought you would do such things to me. I didnt need a lot of help. I didnt even asks for your help. You asked me , wether "i am your gf " . I didnt said you were my boyfriend. YOU ASKED ME. Truthfully , I didnt want to say yes. But , I did. I took it back , but u said no. I am your gf.

What ? What did I do that you said im childish ? Ouh , im sorry , for my  childishness. I know im 18 . So which one is childish now ? Talking behind people's back ? U didnt confront to me. I dont know what I did. Well , atleast , I am.who I am. So if you think im childish and it affects you alot , why are you still holding on onto this relationship ? Cause the way I see it , it is affecting you. And I dont want to affect you in any other ways. Sorry , if I have affected you in some ways , which idk.what... I didnt meant anything. I didnt intend to do such things. Im sorry , but , I think if Im affecting.you , lets just , have a break with this relationship. yes , it hurts to say this. But luckily , I didnt hope to high for this relationship to go on. You with NS , and im working and going to continue with my studies. I dont know okay ! I dont know what to do ! This is unbelievable. I really wish this was just a bad dream. But , unfortunately , it is real hard reality. I have to face it one day. I never thought it would be so sooon. I love you, I do. But, things happened huh ? I never want to be the reason you're affecting. I never want. No one does.

It kills me okay. It really does. Now , what im thinking right now , what do u really feel towards me ?. Are all those words u told me are just lies ? Or isit what you really feel ? I just need you to be honest. Thats all. Isit so much to,ask ? Urgh ~

Alot of questions in my mind. Ive dissapointed my one and only BFFL and now that ive found out about this. That im affecting my boyfriend. What is all of this ?

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Hey , so I got into ngee ann poly. Nursing course. Looking forward to it though. Hah ! Eventhough my O levels is not SO FANTASTIC = =...

so yeah.

I love to see the view early in the morning when im on my way to work , with music in my ears. Listening , looking out at the scenery of the morning light. The sun rays through the canopy , how beautiful it was. Its like looking at an.art piece drawn by a magnificent artists. I loved it. So much. I juat dont know how to explained it. Its just , wow. Ha.

Maybe im thinking just way toooo much or lets just say paranoid. Gah ~ alot of problems im facing right now. My bffl ): , she is dissapointed in me. I shouldnt have let her hopes high when.i said im meeting her. Gosh ! I didny change ! Im still stuck at last year. I always cancel our meetings. Im not surprised if she is dissapointed. Im dissapointed.inmyself tooo !~ .what kind.of friend am.i ??! U tell me ?! I was the only one who keeps on making her dissapointed. Im the cause for everyone around me to feel dissapointed. Im such a dissapointment. Ill never find someone who can really , lasts like our friendship. No one knows me inside out unlike you. I missed you. I really do )':   im truly sorry. It kills me inside that youre dissapointed in me. Im crying. I am.never able to make it up to you. ): . I am super sorry. I really hope to make it up to you. I am not surprised that youre dissapointed in me. I deserve it huh. Hmmm.

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So , let me see.

I didnt get to update my blog this past few days , im sooooo busy and plus im lazy. Haha ! So , urm . Nothing quite happened. Nothing interesting. Didnt get to meet up with my boyfriend. Its been a week since I last saw him. Such a long time ! Mum , didnt let me go out. She said I should rest. Woaaah. I dont need one mum. I really dont. It sucks like totally. Sis was working today. Woooh. She wants MONEH. Alot of it. Come on , ifa .. Ure only a part timer. Dont be sooooo. Urgh. "tamak" . U didnt even.think about your health. = = .

Oh well , so I just spend my sunday like , a lazy ass girl.. Always on my bed. Haha ! Watched tv. And some movies . Cds. Haahahaha! Boring day though.

Ouh ! That girl came to work on saturday , and she was at usher , together with me ! God dammit. She showed me her tattoo on her upper part.of her breast , and its like super disturbing for me. Apparently , she tattooed her ex boyfriend's name . Andy. Lol ! She asked me wether I.have a boyfriend ! Lol ! I said YES instantly.

Oops =X. she just scares the hell out of me. She also hold my hand for a handshake and never let go. Woaaah. Ass. I was shivering. Lol ! But in the other hand.. I.find her rather cool. She is into Rock. Lol ! Love her lip shadow. Whered she get that.! Ouh ! Ouh ! And she said she wish she had a body like mine ! Like .. WHAT ???! Im superly uncomfortable with that statement. HELP ! Haha ! So , yeahh. Thats about it.

Sometimes , I wonder wether my life right now will have a bright future , will I achieve my dream to be a doctor. ? =( . Cause what I see now , is just ... Nothing. I am.scared. I am truly scared for what lies ahead of me. Im scared. )': . I wish I can.just cry it all out and everything will be alright. Guess , it wouldnt happened . It wouldnt be as easy as it looks. There is always a ray of hope after a problem. I hope my ray of.hope will be a miracle for me. I really didnt want to.dissapoint my parents. I really dont..i did it once .. But never again. I will never be a disgrace to my family. Never will. But , what if I dissapoint them.again ? And theyre ashame of me ?

Urgh ~ I just hope everything will be fine. My future will be bright. And everything goes smoothly. Please god help me. ):  .

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My life currently ? Hmm. I dont know. I think its going down the hill. I am wanting to give up everything   but little part of me says to keep holding on. Whats happening right now ? im not to sure , if I am able to

Keep on moving with this life. Gah ~ well apparently , my sis life is going GREAT ! Glad to see that. Going with the flow I guess .. That is what im doing right now. So ! Anws , had.much fun on,Thursday. With ifa and iszwan. Lol ! Watched Journey 2 .. And went arcade. I SWEAR SHOOTING ARCADE GAME.IS SUPPERRRR FUN ! Haahaha. Played guitar hero .. And I dont know this japanese guitar game. Lol ~ FUN FUN FUN ! Went and.eat at pastamania.. Pizza ! Hahaha ! 3 for me , 3 for iszwan and 2 for ifa. HAHA. I WAS DEAD HUNGRY ! Ouh ! And bought this ring necklace for 20 dollars. I swear .. 77th,street is MY FAVOURITE SHOP ! <3  hehe.

Well , that particular phrase still lingers on my mind. Is that a sign for me to take those words as an motivation.and encouragement to my future studies.? Hm. maybe.

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Went out with,Boyfriend yesterday. Had a great day with him though (: watched movie = Special Forces .

Bought a medium sized popcorn and also , a medium sized drink. So now , I know how Root beer TASTE Like. Hahaha. ! Ouh ! And cheezy hotdog ! <3. Yum yum yum. Couldnt finish the salty popcorn and Dany finish it up. HAHAHA. (PBG) . We had frolick before that. It was YUMMEH. Well , I didnt liked marshmallows , so .... GUMMY BEARS. YUM <3 . he feed me <3 . HAAHAHA. Was blushing , but .. We were busy playing flip it in his ipod. AWESOME GAME. HE IS OUT ! Muahaha ! Challenge accepted though dany , BRING IT ON ! (:

Heh. So went back home around 8 plus. As mum asked me to be home , she said theres someone coming to our house.. And apparently , she is lying. SAY WHAAAAAAT ? Im like .. Okay.... Gah ~ watched immortals with alif at night , and it just ended. Lol ~ ouh ! AnD played thia game cowboy with ZOMBIES ! Wah. Freaking scary. Eeee. The zombies will die only when we shoot it at their heads. My aiming failed terribly , just so you know. Grrr ~ more practice needed. Hahaha ! Aunt just came back from fetching ny uncle playing soccer at night. SUPER UNHEALTHY PLEASE. ~

Haha. One day , I shall try wearing heels. = = . If only I have one. Hahahaahaahaha ! Awwww. Tooo,bad. Hehe.

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I feel that ,  I am nothing. I have nothing in me to be proud of. Seriously. I really am just an ordinary girl. Boring. No special talents. Nothing. Plain boredom. Mother was never proud , demoralised , and keep on aiming all faults at me but , kept an high expectation of me. What is this all about ? Sister ? Well lets just say , she like to brag about her results. Her academic results. Told everyone about her results , and expect me to tell people mine , when someone asks. Well , I DONT WANT TO TELL ! So , just keep your mouth shut ! Even my N level result , I have 16 points , I dont BRAG about it. == . Come on. Its really getting on my nerves. So dont tell me , that you're irritated by me , cause of my actions towards boon hwee . I was just playing around. Atleast I never BRAG about my results right ? EVERY SINGLE TIME , ALWAYS TALK.ABOUT YOUR RESULTS. come on , I have feelings yknow. If u wanna talk about your results , DONT TALK ABOUT IT INFRONT OF ME. == .

Gah ~ and u kept saying ure annoyed by me . U think ure so 'PERFECT?' That noones get irritated and annoyed by you ? Atleast , I dont ACT SUPER FRIENDLY. I have my limits. Ure super different when ure around your friends and when.ure at home. == . Come on , be real. Which one is the real you ? You kept wearing my things , but I,cant really use your things ? Oh , I see now , I must always be the one who is giving in. always me. Everything me. I know , sometimes , u lend me your things and such , but I did not use it MOST OF THE TIME. gah ~ see , im super irritated. Thanks for all the hurtful words u gave me. Much appreciated. (: HAHA. Cause I know , thats me , and I show my real self to people. Unlike you. (:

Okay , I sound super bad , but I have to let it all go. I cant handle all this nonense . Whenever im with her , FML rule applies to me. Always. Why ? I dont know exactly why. But im hating it. =( .

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