Lost in the dark

Ever had a feeling where you just lost interest in everybody and anybody?
it is like, you dont have any feelings of affection towards the person who shows interest in you.
you shove them away. You prefer to be alone. Knowing you are lonely ... but you still prefer to be alone. I have done so much stupid things in life. Those stupid things kept haunting me back
every time i try to look forward. Those regretful moments in my life where i wished i shouldn't have done it. Being pressured and wanting to try out new things ... make me do it without thinking for the consequences i will face at the later part of my life. Why do i talk about this? well, for sure i am having this self reflection moment with myself right now. like late night. where everyone is  asleep and i am just here ... typing this all out. I guess i can say here is where i shall put my feelings into words i cant share to anyone.

My days are pale
Everything is still
Everyone is dead.
My eyes looks around
to see the light of day.
There was no sound
only the  sound of a busy street
with a silent heartbeat.
The darkness came in my heart
memories i tried to erase
being still as a stick
brittle as it looks.
as light as a feather
as my memories haunts me
regrets fill me up
wishing time would turn back
rewinding and making things right.
Others were happy.
I am left behind.
Thinking that you would feel me
but i was wrong.
You were still in to her.
you filled me with lies
i believe those words,
i should have known better
that you were "smarter".
being as stupid as i am,
I believed your lies
as a liar you are.

Looking at your picture, i was sad, to be honest, but i couldn't possibly tell you. I dont want you to see me as a desperate person. cause i am not. I should have know all those hints you gave me. but i was blind. I was blind with all those words you've given me. I shouldnt have shared alot of things. things that are not meant to share. When will i ever have the true meaning of happiness?

update.

This past few weeks, have been a very busy week for me. Exam just ended today and I pretty sure ...... i did okay for the papers. not really confident in pharmacology and Nursing Science 3.... though. wait , easy said.... lets just said ... all the papers. meh. I am supposed to go for class chalet/barbeque but however, MUM last minute disagree for me to go. I really hate it when it happens. I am literally mad at her. i begged her and try to be very logical .. but she keeps on persisting of her answer which is a very big NO. with no logical reason behind it.  her ultimate weapon? WALK AWAY ~ and just left you hanging,stunned... yep, every single time. So, i had to miss all the fun there and just celebrate the end of the semester examination alone, yes, ALONE. maybe that is what my mum really wants me to be. a loner. it is pretty unfair though. My mum told me a story when she was a teen, and about 20 years of age she went to a chalet and had a sleep over.... and stuffs and the fact that she hates it after having an experience.... over night. well.. she thinks that whatever she experience.... must not be experience by her daughters. maybe? I DONT KNOW.  I can never get how she thinks. but i still love her i really do.  Please dont get the wrong message .i just have to get how she really thinks maybe i can like understand her ? maybe?


well, i think its on .. urmm, last friday? on the 15 august ? yeah, went out with my best friend ali and stella. went shopping you can say ? me and ali bought a pair of same tees . CATS.  cause we are obsessed with it and you can say... its like... "eh ika, wanna get the same shirt?" then i was like " HELL YEAH?" HAHAHA. its like we clicked. we knew whats on each other minds. HAH. maybe cause we knew each other since secondary one and that he used to be my brother's best friend in primary one. yes. we are in the same primary school till secondary school. was his classmate since sec1 till sec 5. hahahha ! good old times. good old times. and stella bought a new dress. she looked so sweet in it. heh. <3 .="" i="" love="" muuccch.="" nbsp="" p="" so="" them="">

Well, ive been asking this question to myself this past few days....

.Must a Guy Best friend back out when you are having a relationship? is there a meaning behind it? 

Hari Raya.

so it is the end of the fasting month. one month. i thought i was getting a full fast this year, Unfortunately, my period came on the 5th last day of the month. I wanted to cry.... but it is what it is. so i just had to suck it up. im not over it though.
so a lot of things happened. and i just have to say, i have to just go out from my comfort zone right? try something that I am afraid of. Face my fears they would say. I am just hoping i wouldn't make the very same mistakes i always did.

making a vlog have already been in my mind this past few days . but i could not think of any ideas on how my first video would be. i am not saying I am doing this vlog to be popular or something. I just want to like you know share my daily life. apparently, i am doubting people would want to watch my videos. so i might as well do it to just my own entertainment.

I am excited to have 4 hamsters. Yes, I am going to have a new pet. and additional of 4 members to the family. so it would be 3 males and one female. hopefully when they grow up they could bear little hamsters for me xD . heh. the story of having this additional little adorable pet is that ... my friend, named Rashidah, she had 2 hamsters. one female and one male. apparently, it gave birth to four adorable little hamsters.  at first, she wanted to give me just 2 and other 2 to her friends... however, she texted me this morning that is it okay for me to have all 4. well... i couldn't possibly say no. so i dont mind actually. so yeah. i took all 4 because she cant bear to separate all them. heh. I am so excited for them. this wednesday i am going to have them. i will try and took a picture of it, if i remember and not in a lazy mood. i would. i will try my best. :D


so tomorrow, i am going to meet Aidil to have breakfast and go to school together. because i have NS3 revision lecture and he had to come to school for something. hopefully, contact lens are at my aunt house in jelapang right now. because it was for him. aidil asked me to buy for him. he wanted red contact lens. so yah. and he have yet to pay me. it was horrible enough that he could not get it by raya. and he have waited for a long time for it. i felt so bad, ): so yeah. that is probably sum up of everything that is happening this past few weeks. oh ! i almost forgot, i had planned a surprise birthday party for my best friend, robert, heh. learnt a lot of things from him...like for an example, masterplans. and made sure nothing is left out. he was pretty surprised and impressed by my plans. eventhough he suspected something, well it is all in my plans. and im very happy for my plans. it went well... all as planned. good job ika. :D . oh well. that is all.

Random post.

well hello there. as much as i want to start my assignments... things around me would not allow me to. ohh wait... either cause i am too lazy to start off with. This is a random post because i am currently in my school library and having a very very long break before our next class. 4 hours of break is not good. really. well, it was supposed to be three hours but i received a text from my class that NS3 IS CANCELLED and that it will resume next week. I wasnt that sure wether to be happy or sad about that. 4 hours of break? SERIOUSLY. 3 hours is enough for me. and as much as you guys are reading my blog, and you guys might think that " come on ! 4 hours of break ! im dying for one ! " well guys, HOPE I CAN GIVE THIS TIME TO YOU GUYS! i might as well have a lesson straight and be back home fast then to have a long period of hours and be back home late. i dont know it is just me i guess.

anyways, i am thinking of making a vlog.. but i could not think of any start off video to begin with. I need suggestions. i really need one and a good one. i need to hav my very own ideas. i have the camera and memory card sufficient for my videos. im just lacking of ideas... yes. ideas.......

help ?

what is life?

Well hello blog. Sorry I have been very busy lately and I really have forgotten about you most of the time. Currently I am having a lot of assignments to be done and submitted on the week 17 and trust me..... I have did nothing so far except for my NSL health education cause my teacher asks us to send her by Sunday. Honestly, I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPLETE THIS. my weekends are busy this week. Saturday having BCLS and Sunday having FAOW at east coast park. So I am done with the brochure for my NSL. thank god. just have to email it to teacher and hopefully and praying hard it would be okay. Currently listening to Ghost town. at least it could make me feel awake for my assignments I have to do. :(

so like my title says... What is Life ?

I don't know actually. I don't know what I am doing in my life. Firstly, people keep on saying I don't show any interest in my course right now and I am starting to believe them... and my interest is fading. I MUST STOP THIS AND FIND IT BACK. I really want to graduate... but I could not imagine myself being a nurse.

secondly,

I feel that I have been dazing off and thinking of nothing. I feel nothing... I think of nothing and just nothing really. I don't know what is wrong with me and all. cause I don't really know myself.  does that make sense even?

can someone at least tell me what is life? what do you guys want to do in your life? See the future imagine yourself being what you guys are studying right now? and how the future would be?
Oh well. I guess I still have a lot of things to learn.

Suffering in silence

I cried myself to sleep everynight.
No one noticed. Best friends could not even see through me. No one see through me. I dont know what i want in life. Life is actually easy but we made it complicated.
I am ... Laughing smiling .. To everyone almost everyday of my life. But... Maybe what phrase says is true..
"Maybe the girl who laughs and smiles are broken inside"
I do feel like im suffering in silence Suffering from a depression. I hate myself. I hate most of the people around me. Maybe i filled with this hatred so that i could make myself feel secured for a moment. Yes i hate myself. No one sees it. No one ever did. I am never strong. Not ever. I pushed people away from me because i prefer to be alone. But i cant stop this lonely feeling inside me. I thought i have found someone who could really understand me....but he left . He said i couldnt understand him and i never knew him. I am suffering to really know myself. He never understand what i am feeling. Those people whom i am closed with is now busy with their schools, relationship and stuffs. And im just here sitting in the dark alone. Crying , shouting. Filling myself with hatred every single day. I couldnt trust anyone now. I really cant. Ii wont deny. I kept comparing myself with others. Its not helping. I know that. I can never find something good that is in me. Just need someone to help me get out from this darkness i am in. Someone?

Insecurities

Insecurities. Everyone has that. Well, apparently, im having those now. Its breaking me. Everytime i look myself in the mirror, all i want to do is just change everything. When i look at myself, i kept on comparing myself with all the other people around me. All i hear is just the bad part of me , and how imperfect i am. My personality is not that good. I know that. Im never different. I came across a quote while browsing my facebook. It says " stop comparing yourself to others, no one can do better than you in being you" (something like that) . I dont know. I m just keeping everything in me.